


measures and mugs

by badalive



Series: slavonic dance no.2, op.72 [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Blind Character, Classical Music, Kim Seungmin-centric, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Slow Burn, jisung is nonbinary, violist seungmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26966431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badalive/pseuds/badalive
Summary: Seungmin’s a blind violist, navigating through the world through touch and hearing. Although blind, it doesn’t stop him from being first chair violist at his university’s prestigious orchestra. Once a child prodigy, Seungmin knows what it’s like to live an impossible life that’s never normal.That is, until he becomes infatuated with the barista at the coffee shop.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Kim Seungmin/Seo Changbin
Series: slavonic dance no.2, op.72 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969495
Comments: 11
Kudos: 157





	1. measure one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! I’m back with another fic and unsurprisingly, it’s seungbin themed again. This fic is more organised unlike my previous seungbin fic so I’m proud of what I’ve written so far here! 
> 
> All viola references here are from my own experience with playing the viola! So I think I should know what I’m talking about haha. 
> 
> This fic also mentions that Seungmin experiences tremors in his hands — that is due to a nervous system disorder known as either kinetic tremors or essential tremors. Any medical information that might be added will be thoroughly researched before I dare to write it down. 
> 
> Thank you!

Music was beautiful. 

The different sounds that could be produced, the divergent rhythms and melodies, the way no piece or song took on a similar sound — it was all so, so beautiful. Music was a gift to mankind; the eighth gift from the Holy Spirit. 

It was naïve, easily swayed by just a small adjustment or movement of the fingers. It was entirely at its master’s control, nothing but a piece of clay to mould into anything that the person at hand wanted it to be. So pliable yet fierce, able to bring people to joy or tears within its short, yet repeatable life. 

One could create and control music with their own hands, using a vessel to convey their feelings, thoughts, or actions into a melancholic note or the sweet crescendo of a quartet. 

To be able to see what the art of music can do to an audience was breathtaking, it was unbelievable how one could see such raw emotions just by fiddling with keys and notes. It was a privilege. 

A privilege that Seungmin didn’t have. 

He conveyed the emotions, toyed with the keys and notes, and gave the emotions to the audience — but he couldn’t _see_ them. He couldn’t see anything, really, but the missing piece to his puzzle was the audience’s reactions to the pieces he’d play. The gasps of awe and ovations at the end were amazing, but he knew that they could never compare to actually seeing how they would take in the music. 

Seungmin always had this lingering feeling of disappointment. Being a blind child prodigy, he never saw a glimpse of his precious audience. His parents and teacher always told him to look past that and to look ahead, but he always found himself glancing down, longing to see what he had instilled upon the people. 

Apart from the audience, he had also never seen what his precious viola looked like. He was told that it was a medium sized one, dark in colour and absolutely glistening from the heavy polishing it received, but he felt quite sad over never being able to actually look at it himself. 

His viola has been his entire life; from age four to present time, and he would never give it up for anything. Music was far too precious for Seungmin to let go, especially when he didn’t have anything else to express his love for art. 

His only solace apart from the viola was the small coffee shop down by the thrift shop about two blocks off campus. It was a fairly quiet place, not too busy and not too silent and extremely cozy. The first time Seungmin had stepped foot into the shop there was an employee immediately at his side, guiding him to a table right by the counter. 

He appreciated the gesture, since he always found it quite difficult to navigate through new places. Plus, it seemed as if the shop was friendly to the disabled because there was always a place for someone to sit at, no matter who they were. 

The coffee was delicious — as were the pastries — but the aura was just perfect. It was just what Seungmin needed after an intense week of studying and orchestra. He only wished to see how the coffee shop looked like. 

He just wanted to see his audience.. and the coffee shop by the thrift store. 

* * *

The first piece he had ever played was Hungarian Dance No.5 in the G minor scale. 

It was a piece that he was always infatuated with. From its lively beginning to the typical orchestral ending; everything entranced him deeply. His mother had told him it was the only way his parents could calm him down when he was crying, that the sounds of the orchestra would always bring a smile to baby Seungmin’s face no matter what. 

It was a piece that surrounded him for most of his life, one that brought him comfort and reminded him of his precious moments. 

Seungmin remembers the first time he’d ever laid hands on an instrument. It felt as if he had finally met a long lost lover, a soulmate, perhaps. He was mesmerised from the very first touch, and when he did his very first down bow, that was when it all fell together. 

Amazingly, he managed to play the first couple of measures of Hungarian Dance with absolutely no sheet music nor help. His parents were beyond astounded and began to question as to where he had learned how to play the piece. 

He didn’t learn it, he already knew it. 

Seungmin stirs his coffee gently, listening to the soft piano of Nocturne No.2. The coffee shop was quieter than usual, Seungmin could only hear some footsteps here and there but nothing overly repetitive or loud. He assumes it’s because of the weather being far too chilly for any sane being to be out and about. 

He adores the cold, finding it to be relieving and almost like a massage of sorts. It’s weird, but to Seungmin it makes sense. 

His hands tremble a bit as he settles his mug down, but that’s normal. Years of playing the viola had rendered Seungmin’s hands a bit unstable and with callouses, but he didn’t mind any of it. Sure, his handwriting was a bit messier, but it wasn’t the end of the world. 

He remembers the first time he met his roommates. Two boys named Hyunjin and Jeongin, both already friends and seemingly excited to meet Seungmin. They knew that he was blind but never once treated him as if he needed help all the time. They never overstepped the obvious boundaries and never acted like Seungmin was a sort of damsel in distress. 

Seungmin was thankful. 

When he extended his hand out to give Hyunjin a fist bump, the older was slightly surprised at just how much Seungmin’s hands were trembling and asked if he was anxious. 

“No,” Seungmin had replied, “They’re always like this!” 

He had a smile on his face, hinting that it was okay to laugh with him. Jeongin was the first one to let out a breathy giggle, stealing Hyunjin’s opportunity to high five Seungmin and instead giving him one himself. 

Hyunjin and Jeongin immediately became his best friends, but they weren’t the only people he would meet. 

Minho, a classmate of Hyunjin’s and friend as well. Felix, another classmate of Hyunjin’s as well as Jeongin’s boyfriend. Both treated Seungmin like any other person and Minho would often bicker with him any chance he could get. Seungmin liked to describe it as being a bother, but Minho preferred the term ‘divorced couple’. 

His friends were strange, but they loved him nonetheless. And he loved them. 


	2. measure two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the story officially begins with angst 😃

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for disassociation that starts at “when he wakes up” (based on my own experiences with disassociation)

Seungmin would frequent the coffee shop to escape from his life. It was his haven, his oasis — his utopia. An eye of a hurricane, if you must. He loved the calming scent of roasted coffee beans and the crisp, clean air that held the scent. He felt safe there.

In all honesty, he would say that he was at the coffee place more than he was at home. But to his own defence, it was because home was just as hectic as school, if not more. Hyunjin and Jeongin were too chaotic for their own good. 

Seungmin couldn’t even count how many times he had walked in to find them wrestling on the ground with broken plates and cups all over them. 

Apart from that, he also came to the coffee shop to talk with one of the baristas. 

“Here’s your hot chocolate, Seungmin.” 

Seungmin looks up, a smile growing on his face ever so slightly as he hears the mug being set down right in front of him. He can pick up the faint smell of rich chocolate and he immediately feels warm, the feeling surging through him. 

“Thank you, Changbin.” Seungmin softly says. He hears Changbin pull out the chair across the table. The barista sits down, grinning at Seungmin, “Twelve o’clock.” 

“Oh, a gentleman!” 

There was a light chuckle and Seungmin can sense Changbin leaning back to let out a little laugh, falling forward again so he can converse quietly with the boy. 

“How’s your day been?” 

Seungmin bites his cheek, grabbing the tiny spoon that came with his hot chocolate and dips it into the drink, swirling it aimlessly in the liquid. He momentarily pauses, inhaling the sweet air of the place. 

“My day’s been awfully boring, nothing much if I have to be honest.” He answers with a soft tone, bringing the mug to his lips and taking a gentle sip of the warm chocolate. Smacking his lips to emphasise the taste, Seungmin sets the mug back down but keeps his hands on it. 

Changbin looks down at Seungmin’s hands around the mug. They were trembling but the tremors weren’t bad, they were just small and barely noticeable but Changbin just so happens to notice them. Seungmin taps his index finger against the china and tilts his head to the left, “Anything new in your life?” 

The question diverts Changbin’s eyes from Seungmin’s hands to his soft, brown eyes: hazy on the surface but Changbin knew that deep down, they were full of life. 

Seungmin had always been a mystery to Changbin. A boy who could play such a difficult instrument so, so beautifully but have trouble navigating the world whilst blind.. Seungmin was an amazing person but an enigma at the same time. He most definitely wasn’t weak, but there was something in him that told Changbin that he was struggling internally. 

He spoke so softly, as if he was scared of raising his voice. And that alone made it difficult to understand him at times, especially when the shop was busy, but Changbin could tell what he was saying most of the time by lip reading. 

“Hyunjin confessed to me.” 

Seungmin momentarily pauses, “Oh? I never knew he had a thing for you.” He picks up the small spoon and stirs the hot chocolate again. 

“I never knew either,” Changbin replies, “It was a surprise, if I have to be honest. Not a bad one, though.” 

Seungmin hums, taking another sip of his chocolate, “So are you two going out?” 

“We went out last week and made it official.” 

_Oh._

Seungmin swallows, _so that’s why Hyunjin was so fussy over his appearance when Jeongin and I nearly egged him._

He lightly smiles, “Congrats to you both, I’m glad Hyunjin has found someone to keep him busy. I’ll admit — he was getting a bit annoying these days.” 

Changbin thanks him and bites the inside of his cheek, “I know he’s your best friend so I promise to not hurt him.” He sounds serious, but to Seungmin that’s a stupid promise. It was inevitable to hurt someone during a relationship — even _he_ knew that — but for the barista’s sake he simply nods and bites his lip. 

There’s a shout of Changbin’s name and the older man rushes to stand up, leaving Seungmin staring ahead, blinking. “I have to go. See you later, Seungmin.” He knocks his knuckles against the surface of the table before quickly jogging away, leaving Seungmin alone once again. 

Seungmin sets his spoon down, finding his thirst long gone. 

* * *

  
Seungmin returns to an empty dorm, barren and unusually silent. 

There’s papers scattered all over the coffee table that are Jeongin’s, but there’s no sign of the youngest being anywhere near. His scent is faint, but it clings onto the particles in the air around where he should’ve been sitting. 

Seungmin lifts his hand from the table. He clenches his hand and turns, heading straight towards his bedroom. The silence speaks volumes to him, an amazing contrast to the soothing music he had listened to whilst at the café. The floor creaks slightly as Seungmin makes his way over to his bedroom door, grabbing the knob and twisting it. 

The door slowly opens, exposing Seungmin to the cold, yet familiar atmosphere of his bedroom. He sets his white cane aside, going to his bed and throwing himself onto the soft, cold covers. 

He tosses an arm over his eyes, sighing deeply and letting his hand fall open loosely, hanging off the side of his head. At his elbow he feels his stuffed animal sitting beside him and he removes his hand from his eyes to grab it, lifting it up in the air and blinking. The puppy flops in his hold, soft fur grazing his shaky fingers. 

“Did you know? About Hyunjin and Changbin?” He softly asks the puppy, lowering slightly due to the ache in his elbows. The plush stays silent — as it was a plush — but Seungmin merely hums and pulls it against his chest, “I didn’t really expect for them to be a couple but if they’re happy then who am I to speculate?” 

Silence. 

“Exactly,” Seungmin slowly replies, “Why do I even care?” He takes his hands off the plushy and crosses his arms over his eyes, obscuring what little amount of light he could see once more.

His eyes slowly slip shut, breathing eventually evening out as he let his mind wander to the conversation he had with Changbin earlier. The moment that Changbin had told him about Hyunjin kept replaying in his mind in an endless loop, running again and again like a broken record. 

The last thing he hears is the soft piano of the café. 

* * *

When he wakes up, he feels an added weight on his entire body.. and oddly warm. He reaches down and grasps at the foreign material on him, realising that it’s a blanket and that someone must’ve covered him with it whilst he was asleep. It’s a nice gesture, one that he didn’t necessarily need but he wasn’t going to complain. 

He sits up, lifting his arms over his head and stretching as far as he could, feeling his joints lightly pop from the pull. Seungmin finds his plushy sitting by him and he assumes that whoever covered him with the blanket must’ve taken the puppy off his chest, too. 

He sits there for a while, aimlessly looking ahead. 

Outside he hears the soft footsteps of one of his roommates and a mixture of voices amidst the footsteps. Strangely, he feels out of place at the moment, as if he doesn’t belong there at all and that he’s an intruder. 

A shiver runs through him, rattling him. He sighs, grabbing his plushy and holding it tightly against his chest; feeling as if the world around him has gone silent, leaving only Seungmin behind. He feels himself falling back against the pillows of his bed, feeling the cotton of the pillowcases caress his face and neck. 

The hold on his puppy goes slack, and Seungmin blinks up at the ceiling. 

He feels strange — is he real? The silence was deafening now, should he shout to see if it’ll fade? He lets his hands fall to his sides with a soft _thump._ He knows he’s staring at the same spot on the ceiling, that same spot he always stares at during times like this. He figures there should be a hole in there by now, humorously. 

Since when was there a blanket on him? 

Oh yeah. 

Seungmin blinks.. and blinks again. 

The soft sounds of strings fill the emptiness, it was the Slavonic Dance — no. 2 to be precise. He feels himself holding his bow, angling his arm just right to get the perfect intonation that would make Dvorak proud. His fingers begin to tingle, and Seungmin can sense his audience. 

There they sit, faceless and still as they watch Seungmin perform. The audience can see him giving an unimaginable amount of life to the measly notes written on the paper in front of him. He can’t see, but _they_ can. Seungmin hands them the language of music and they take it in their grubby hands and _tarnish_ it. They exploit it for their own gain — they’re not here for Seungmin, they’re here for sounds his wooden box with strings can produce. 

They don’t have a clue as to what classical music really is, they only want to take the music given to them oh so graciously and slander it afterwards. 

Why must they take their privilege and abuse it?

Nothing makes sense. 

Seungmin sighs deeply. His eyes are still focused on the ceiling, not moving the slightest bit from their point of fixture. The silence fades, and he hears a wheezy laugh belonging to Hyunjin that rattles him out of his stupor. Upon hearing Hyunjin, his stomach drops. 

Why though?


	3. measure three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> starbucks? starbucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it wasn't specified before, Seungmin CAN see just the slightest shapes and hues. He can't tell each shape apart and he very much cannot see anything clearly at all. He's blind, but he can still see what you would see if your eyes were filled with tears and you're squinting at the same time.

The following week, Hyunjin approaches Seungmin. 

There’s a smile on his face, eyes sparkling with their usual energy. His hands are delicately tapping along the surface of Seungmin’s desk, almost as if he was scared it would break. 

Now, Seungmin most definitely couldn’t see all that, but he could feel the almost too sweet energy coming off Hyunjin in waves, drowning him in large amounts of happiness. 

He smells sweet, like a fresh bakery, and it takes Seungmin all of his strength to not lean into Hyunjin to get a closer sniff. Instead, he sets down his headphones and looks over at the older, raising a single eyebrow in question. 

“Hyung?” Seungmin asks, voice surprisingly gentle. 

There’s a deep inhale and some shuffling coming from Hyunjin that Seungmin assumes the older is sitting down, attempting to get comfortable. The sound of a chair being pulled close confirms his assumption and there’s some awkward movements before Hyunjin clears his throat. 

“I haven’t seen you lately, Seungminnie.” 

Hyunjin sounds a bit sad, and Seungmin has to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Instead, he turns back to his notes and begins writing again. There’s a sound of disappointment coming from Hyunjin but Seungmin pays no mind to it. 

He taps a couple times on his iPad and the robotic voice coming from the tinny speakers fills the silence that was lurking. He tries to listen to his notes but the weight from Hyunjin’s stare was beginning to make his skin itch and he begins to feel a bit of pressure pool on his chest. 

Seungmin looks up and back at Hyunjin, “Well, hyung, you’ve been hanging out with Changbin lately and I’ve been at the chamber for orchestra so I guess that’s why we haven’t been seeing each other. We each have our own things to focus on and it is unfortunate that we don’t get to hang out as much.” 

_ He was lying about the chamber, by the way.  _

There’s a pause before Hyunjin speaks, “Chan wants to hang out on Saturday.” 

Seungmin stares, “I have plans Saturday.” 

“You’re always doing orchestra, Seungmin…” 

“I have to.” 

“No, you don’t.” 

Seungmin sets his pencil down, rotating his body so that his entire front is now facing the other man. He places his hands in his lap, ignoring the tremors. He feels slightly annoyed, but he wasn’t going to let his emotions get the best of him; Hyunjin’s reasonably concerned and that’s nice of him but Seungmin  _ doesn’t  _ need someone to be concerned for him. 

He licks his lips, “I also made plans with Renjun and Kunhang.” 

“Seungmin I haven’t seen you for a week —” 

“Sorry?” Seungmin bites down a laugh, “I’m sorry that we haven’t been able to talk much. But I can’t cancel on Renjun and Kunhang.” 

Silence. 

What was going on with him? Why was he suddenly being petty with Hyunjin? Seungmin lowers his head, hands forming into fists. Hyunjin didn’t do anything wrong to get treated in such a way. Since when was getting a boyfriend a bad thing? If anything, Seungmin should be happy for him — and he was! He was happy for him, but for some odd reason a small annoyance resonated within him. 

Distantly, he can hear the melody of Moonlight Sonata. 

The air shifts, and it becomes more melancholic. Seungmin knows the piano is coming from his subconscious but it seems so, so real as if it were Jeongin playing the piece just a couple feet away. He lifts his head and looks towards the general direction from which the music is coming from. He’s silent, blinking on occasion as everything else fades away and it’s just him and the piano. 

The piano strikes a certain key, and he feels a small shiver run down his spine. 

A sigh from Hyunjin brings him back. He freezes, piano fading quickly so that now it’s just him and Hyunjin once again. 

Seungmin begins to feel guilty, and he reaches out for the older, skin cold under his touch. 

Or was that his skin? 

Either way, it’s a relief when Hyunjin doesn’t pull away. He instead takes Seungmin’s outstretched hand and holds it with both of his own. They’re both still silent, but their silence speaks for each of them. Seungmin can feel his hand tremble against Hyunjin’s own and the older squeezes it lightly. 

Seungmin lowers his head, “I’ll ask Renjun and Kunhang about rescheduling.” 

The breathy giggle that leaves Hyunjin’s lips pulls at his stomach. 

* * *

The rest of the week goes by fairly quickly. 

Not that Seungmin wanted it to, but he wasn’t in control of time nor its wonders. 

The coffee shop wasn’t the same anymore. Changbin was almost never there whenever he stopped by and if he was there he was always busy with taking orders and giving them to customers. He never seemed to have time for Seungmin nor did he bother to even give Seungmin a small, but happy greeting like he always did. 

Seungmin doesn’t mind, though. He assumes that Changbin’s working harder than usual lately due to the holidays coming up and of course as any other boyfriend he’s most likely planning to give Hyunjin an amazing Christmas experience. 

Speaking of which, Jeongin had approached Seungmin the night previous to tell him that Hyunjin was planning on moving in with Changbin. The idea seemed ridiculous to Seungmin — since they had only begun to date two weeks prior — but who was Seungmin to judge? It wasn’t his life. 

So now Hyunjin was gone from the dorm for longer periods of time, always coming back wearing one of Changbin’s hoodies or sporting a love bite from the older. The latter of which Seungmin would have no idea about if it wasn’t for Jeongin casually pointing it out with a piercing laugh. 

If Seungmin has to be honest, he misses each of their presence. 

But at the same time, he felt selfish for saying such. 

He kicks a rock out of the way, swinging his white cane how a golfer would with their club. He giggles at the rush of wind that comes from doing so, finding momentary bliss with the cool air that grazes his skin. 

He knows that he may seem a bit eccentric to any onlooker, but Seungmin couldn’t find himself to care at all. He’s only trying to find small bits of happiness around him and if swinging his cane like a madman in the middle of the courtyard was one of them, then so be it. 

It’s cold, but Seungmin doesn’t mind it. 

The leaves crunch around his feet with every step he takes; his white cane can only brush away so many from his path. Nevertheless, the sound is pleasant to him, reminding him that he’s  _ living  _ and he’s not just imagining anything. 

His mind had a small issue with sending him off to far away locations, leaving his body frozen in place. Those were the times he didn’t feel real, as if he was just living in a simulation. He hated that, he hated it so much. 

Suddenly there’s a hand on his shoulder and Seungmin jumps from the unexpected contact, heart nearly stopping from his shock. 

“Seungmin?” It was Changbin. 

Seungmin sighs and shakes his head, hand gripping his cane tightly, “Please give me a warning beforehand! I thought I was going to get attacked or something…” 

“But I called out your name? And when you didn’t answer I just —”

Seungmin interrupts him, “You called out my name?” He sounds stupid repeating what he was just told, but if Changbin was calling his name then surely he would’ve heard the older man calling out at him. When Changbin confirms that he was indeed calling out his name, Seungmin inwardly curses and bites his lip. 

He must’ve been deep in his thoughts, embarrassing. 

It was silent for a brief moment before Changbin tilts his head and furrows his eyebrows, “Aren’t you cold?” 

That was when a breeze hit Seungmin and he suddenly felt positively  _ freezing _ . It was as if something had been switched on by that simple question and now Seungmin was feeling everything — from the crisp air to the chilly temperatures. He shivers, arms instinctively coming together to hug himself as a form of protection from the cold. 

Changbin shrugs off his coat and drapes it over Seungmin’s shoulders which comes as a surprise to the younger and just as he was about to protest, Changbin beats him to it. “Don’t.” He simply says, tone challenging. 

The barista holds out his hand, “Give me your cane.” 

Seungmin stops shivering to look at him, “Why?” 

“Because you’re going to take my arm and I’m going to get you somewhere warm.” 

Jeez, okay. 

And so Seungmin hands him his cane and wraps his arm around Changbin’s own, placing his other hand on the coat to keep it secure. It felt oddly comfortable, holding Changbin’s muscly arm as he did. He can’t help the slight blush that rushes to his face, but thankfully he can brush it off as just the wind hitting his face a bit too harshly. 

He just hopes that no passerby will get the wrong idea from their current position. 

* * *

Changbin ends up taking him to a Starbucks far from campus. It’s an odd choice, considering the fact that Seungmin held onto Changbin for the entire 20 minutes it took to arrive at the place. Along the way there they conversed quietly between each other, soft voices mixing with the sound of crunching leaves and the whistling wind. 

Seungmin softly whispers to himself about appearing scandalous and Changbin hoarsely laughs. He moves his hand down to lay it over Seungmin’s own and it takes nearly all of Seungmin’s willpower to not freeze in place. He instead squeezes Changbin’s arm for a brief moment and stares ahead. 

When they reach the doors, Changbin lets go of his hand to open the door and helps Seungmin in. This makes Seungmin roll his eyes, since he didn’t  _ need  _ the extra aid and he most certainly wasn’t going to accidentally injure himself, but he follows Changbin’s lead anyway. 

The older one takes him over to a table at the farthest corner, and it’s there that Seungmin gently takes off the coat lent to him and folds it over his lap. Changbin asks him what he wants and once Seungmin tells him what he’s craving for, he ruffles his hair and jogs over to the register. 

Seungmin takes a moment to inhale the familiar scent of coffee beans, feeling a warm, homely sensation surge through him. He sinks back against the cushioned chair, tilting his head up at the ceiling and blinking. He loves the soft brown hue glowing around him, the lights hanging above him low in brightness but still managing to twinkle beautifully. 

It’s unfortunate that he can’t see just how beautiful the lighting must be, considering that he can’t see anything other than just globs of everything but with the way the weirdly shaped orb in front of him pulsates in brightness, he knows that it must be nice. 

Warmth surrounds him, blanketing him in a way that only a mother tucking in her child can succeed. 

He suddenly finds himself missing his mother, eyes slipping shut as he tries to picture her distorted figure in front of him, looking up at him with a proud aura all over her. 

_ “I’m so proud of you, my son.”  _

That was what she had told him the day after he finished his first concert. The grip she had on his shoulders wasn’t painful, but it was tight. As if her emotions were all in her hands and all she could do was hold onto her son tightly. 

But he had to wonder, would she be proud of him now even though he was struggling to keep himself together? 

“Seungminnie~” 

Seungmin cracks one eye open — which is quite pointless — and hums when he’s met with a blob that can only be Changbin. The scent of coffee is strong now, nearly overwhelming Seungmin’s senses as he reaches out to grab his iced drink, jumping when his warm skin makes contact with the cold cup but taking it anyway. Changbin moves to sit across from him, groaning as he finally gets to relax against the cushioned chair. 

Seungmin takes his straw and swirls it a couple times. A small laugh from Changbin catches his attention and he stops, looking up with his lips parted slightly and eyebrows raised. 

His expression speaks for him and Changbin leans forward, careful to not spill his own drink. “Sorry it’s just — who orders an iced coffee when it’s nearly zero degrees outside?” 

Seungmin knows he must look dumb with his mouth parted but he can’t help it when his jaw lowers more and a slow, but serious answer slips from him, “Uh.. me. I do.” 

“The girl at the register looked at me weird when I told her what you wanted. She looked at  _ me!  _ And it wasn’t even my drink!” 

“Sucks.” He pinches the tip of his straw and drinks some of his coffee. It’s refreshing to have the familiar taste back on his tongue and it’s then that he realises how much he’s missed this. How much he’s missed just being with Changbin, alone, sipping coffee and talking without any worry hanging in the air around them. 

Changbin leans back, taking a sip of his own drink, “I’ve missed this.” 

Seungmin hums, always counting on Changbin to somehow say what he’s been thinking. 

“Me too, it’s unfortunate that I haven’t seen you.” 

Changbin lets out a laugh, slapping his hand over his knee, “Well you haven’t been to the coffee shop as of late so…” 

“Oh I’ve been. You just happen to miss me whenever I was there during your shift.” There’s a slightly bitter taste filling Seungmin’s mouth, and he sucks in his cheek to bite down on it. He would not be petty with Changbin, he  _ couldn’t _ be petty. 

“Oh you’ve been going during my shift? I’m sorry, Seungmin. I guess I’m just so busy there nowadays.” There’s a sigh from the other that makes Seungmin’s eyes soften up a bit, head tilting to the side as he gently asks, “Why are you working so hard now?” 

“Can’t a man spoil his boyfriend?” 

For a split second Seungmin’s heart does a flip, heat rising to his face but he suddenly remembers that it’s  _ Hyunjin  _ whom Changbin’s talking about and his heart does a swan dive into his stomach, sizzling in the acid and melting away. But why did Seungmin expect for Changbin to say it was him? He didn’t have any feelings for the older man — none that he didn’t know of — so why was he giddy for that half second? 

“Right,” He croaks, “Hyunjin that lucky bastard.” He takes another sip of his coffee which now didn’t taste refreshing or anything of the sort. Rather, it now had the flavour of aged metal. Rusty and heavy. 

Changbin laughs, oblivious to Seungmin’s inner struggle at the moment. He lifts the hand from his knee and reaches over to pat Seungmin’s hand. The younger nearly flinches from the contact but contains himself, instead smiling stiffly at the barista and managing to give him a dry chuckle. 

Just as Seungmin was about to say something, his phone buzzes and he jolts as a robotic voice says, “ _ iMessage from Jeongin.”  _

Changbin retracts his hand so that Seungmin can reach for his Airpods, putting one in his right ear. 

**Jeongin:** hyung where are you

**Me:** out 

**Jeongin:** where? you’ve been gone for hours 

**Me:** have i? i didn’t notice 

**Jeongin:** hyunjin hyung’s here 

**Jeongin:** says he wanted to hang out with us but you’re not here.. so that’s why i’m asking lol 

**Me:** oh

Seungmin glances up from his phone, looking at the figure that he can only point out as Changbin. The older man appears to be on his phone as well, but it doesn’t seem as if he’s actually doing  _ anything _ on it. As if he’s just on it to avoid seeming awkward. Of course, he can’t say that’s exactly what he’s doing since he couldn’t  _ see  _ him. 

The one day Hyunjin voluntarily goes to see his former roommates and one of them is out drinking coffee with his boyfriend… Seungmin sighs, shaking his head and looking back at his phone. 

**Me:** well i’m not anywhere near the dorm 

**Jeongin:** what? where are you then? 

Seungmin pauses, wondering if it’s a good idea to blatantly say that he’s with Hyunjin’s boyfriend. It isn’t like Hyunjin would automatically jump to the conclusion that Changbin’s cheating on him, but it’d make it seem as if Seungmin was making a move on the chessboard of life, trying to get a checkmate. 

Or is he overthinking? Admittedly, it does seem as if he’s overthinking. He’s being too cautious for his own good; he knows that Hyunjin trusts him with his life so why would he jump to conclusions? 

**Me:** i’m with changbin hyung lol 

**Jeongin:** WHAT 

**Me:** siri doesn't read capital letters but i just know you yelled at me 

**Jeongin:** you’re with changbin… where????

**Me:** starbucks about 20 mins away 

**Jeongin:** uh hyunjin just looked over my shoulder

Seungmin chokes on air, grabbing the attention of anyone nearby but he rubs his throat and holds his hand up to signal that he’s fine. He knows that Changbin’s looking at him but he can’t focus on that now, especially when  _ Hyunjin  _ knew that he was with his boyfriend. 

**Jeongin:** he’s not mad he just wants changbin to come back before it’s dark :p he says he’s happy that changbin’s taking a break from work 

**Me:** ah ok i’ll tell him that we should go now 

**Jeongin:** kk see u at home!! 

Seungmin puts away the Airpod and groans softly, lifting his arms up so he can stretch and pop some joints before lowering them and reaching over to poke Changbin’s hand, “Let’s go, hyung.” 

“Why?” 

“Hyunjin’s at the dorm and he wants you back before it’s dark.” 

Changbin looks past Seungmin and out the window behind him, standing up from his chair and adjusting himself. “It is getting dark, isn’t it?” Seungmin asks, getting up as well and handing Changbin his coat. However, the barista refuses it and instead drapes it over Seungmin’s shoulders like earlier. 

“It’s cold out, remember?”, was all he said. 

  
  



	4. measure four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time for the boys to hang out !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‼️ jisung is actually nonbinary in this story! his pronouns are he/him and they/them so i’ll be alternating between them when writing :)

He was right. 

It’s absolutely freezing but somehow Changbin just wasn’t affected by the cold as much as Seungmin was. Slightly annoyed, Seungmin has to press himself against Changbin to at least ensure that the older man wouldn’t freeze. His body heat wasn’t all that much but he had no other choice. 

They’re silent again, nothing aside from the sound of their footsteps in sync can be heard. Seungmin can’t bring himself to talk, opting instead to just hold onto Changbin tightly. Changbin was warm, and Seungmin hated how he liked being so close to him but unfortunately it was either this or risking getting sick from the harsh temperatures. 

He knows that Changbin doesn’t mind being so close, but for some peculiar reason it was a bother to  _ himself.  _ It felt wrong, like he was overstepping an invisible boundary that was raised when Hyunjin began dating Changbin. 

He’s overthinking, but he can’t help it. 

He’s just a friend, and he was being a horrible friend by overstepping the obvious boundaries. 

He leans his head against Changbin’s shoulder and takes his other hand out of his pocket to wrap it around his bicep. The older male doesn’t react at all when Seungmin does this and the younger can only sigh softly and let the other guide them home. 

He’s just so warm. 

* * *

As soon as they arrive at the apartment, Seungmin detaches himself from Changbin’s arm and stuffs his own hands into his pockets. He can’t risk entering the living room basically hanging onto Changbin as if he were to die if he didn’t. It just wouldn’t seem right. 

He instead waits until Changbin opens the door so he can step in, several steps ahead of the older man to throw away any suspicion. He knows he’s overdoing it, he knows he’s just being paranoid, but the possibility of making Hyunjin angry was just too terrifying to even consider walking on eggshells for. 

“Seungmin.” Changbin softly calls out behind him, “Calm down.” 

Seungmin pauses and takes a deep breath, shaking his head to get rid of any lingering thoughts. Changbin pads towards him, taking his hand and squeezing it. The gesture makes Seungmin jump a bit but he doesn’t tug his hand away. Instead, he lets the other man lead him to the living room. 

Jeongin immediately turns to look at them when he hears their footsteps nearing the entryway. He excitedly calls out their names and his tone makes Seungmin’s stomach churn. He’s happy to be home, but he just feels so out of place. The others — they’re so happy. 

Seungmin doesn’t think he’s happy. 

He delicately lets go of Changbin’s hand and feels Jeongin’s lean body press up against his. Seungmin returns the hug, feeling the coat Changbin gave him slipping off his shoulders and falling into a mound on the wooden floor. A chill runs up his spine, but when he pulls away from the hug he can’t help it when he smiles widely. 

Jeongin gives him a gentle shove and he moves to the sofa where Hyunjin is sitting, legs crossed and a warm cup of tea in his hands. 

Seungmin doesn’t dare say anything, he stays silent as Changbin leans down to give Hyunjin a quick peck on the lips before going to sit on the armrest of the sofa behind Hyunjin. Seungmin looks down at the floor, kicking his foot out a bit and pretending to examine it. 

Except.. it’s a blob. 

There’s a soft, high pitched giggle from next to him and he nearly jumps out of his skin, blinking rapidly when a hand lands on his shoulder and grips it. He realises that it’s Hyunjin, who’s obviously amused by the way Seungmin tries to avoid conversation, but he doesn’t mind. 

He turns to look towards his general direction, eyebrows slightly raised in neutrality but he knows he must seem a bit confused. 

Hyunjin pulls his hand away and takes a sip of his tea, “Hope that Binnie wasn’t much of a bother to you, Seungminnie. He can get a bit hyper with coffee, y’know.” 

He can hear Changbin whine, “I do not!”

“Yes you do. Remember that one night with Jisung? You wouldn’t stop making random noises at them.” Seungmin resists the urge to laugh at the thought of Changbin randomly going up to Jisung and making an entirely random noise at them. Despite his efforts he can’t help the snort that leaves him when he remembers that one moment where Jisung had  _ barked  _ at Minho because the older man didn't give him a cookie. 

His snort, however, isn’t picked up by anyone in the room and he thanks the powers up above for that. 

“He wasn’t a bother at all, actually. I was a bit lonely before he arrived so I was happy to spend time with him.. not to mention he bought the coffee for us both so now I owe him.” He says instead, looking from Hyunjin to Changbin. 

Changbin waves his hand in a nonchalant manner, “Don’t sweat it. Consider it as a gift.” 

Seungmin doesn’t bother to object. Instead he leans back and sighs long and hard, as if he’s trying to expel his soul out of his body through his mouth. He feels uncomfortable with knowing that he could’ve just paid Changbin back but unfortunately he couldn’t. He hated just knowing that there’s funds he can pay back but isn’t allowed to. 

There’s a laugh from across the room and Seungmin nearly jumps from the shock of suddenly noticing that the television was on and displaying some sort of shitty comedy movie. Jeongin, of course, is laughing along to the stupid jokes. His laugh holds no pressure, light as air and carefree. As if he had no worries in the world. 

Seungmin can feel Hyunjin shift and he knows that the couple are cuddling right next to him, Changbin reaching forward to take a sip of his boyfriend’s tea. 

It’s a warm moment within a homely atmosphere, but Seungmin feels so, so cold and out of place. 

He sits there, hands crossed over his chest as he pretends to be actively listening to whatever was happening on the television. Changbin is spewing nonsense, arguing with the characters on the screen as Hyunjin laughs next to him. A full belly laugh, one that deeply rumbles within his chest and echoes all over the living room. 

Seungmin silently shuffles away from them, leaning against the armrest of the sofa with his head laying uncomfortably on the surface. A surge of suffocation flows through his body, filling his lungs with heavy, heavy air and emptying bitter dread into his stomach. 

He can’t seem to focus on the movie, rather fixating on the fact that the others were clutching at his throat, squeezing it beyond human strength and holding him in place. Their grips strong enough to leave indents on his throat, but loose enough to keep Seungmin conscious. An impossible balance, but he still feels it nonetheless. 

There’s a shout from Jeongin and that’s when Seungmin breaks. He tears his head from the armrest and shakily gets to his feet, knees buckling as he does so. 

He ignores the others staring at him and stumbles out of the living room, grabbing onto the wall to his left as a precaution if he were to sway. Seungmin ignores the silence ringing from the living room, reaching out and fumbling with his doorknob before tightly wrapping his hand over it and turning it with a fierceness never experienced before. 

Seungmin slams the door shut, locking it and pressing his back against it, tilting his head up. The cold wood of his door quickly turns warm from his palms and he closes his eyes. 

He shakes his head, peeling himself from the wood and stumbling over to his head as if he were drunk. A bitter laugh escapes him, one that doesn’t resemble Jeongin’s at all. It’s cold, heavy, and filled with a melancholia that couldn’t possibly be described as  _ just  _ melancholia. 

As he falls towards his bed, arms spread out, he can hear a knock on his door. He ignores the knock and instead closes his eyes once more. 

Another knock comes, then another. 

Seungmin spits out a hoarse laugh, and it doesn’t sound right. A laughing fit passes through him, and he laughs hollowly until he can’t get any other sort of noise out of him. Then, he’s silent. 

And so is the door. 

* * *

“Channie hyung!” Seungmin excitedly calls out, running towards the older man with a wide smile. The smile on his face comes as a slight surprise to Jeongin, who stands behind him with his white cane folded up in his left hand. It’s a nice surprise, since he had barely seen such a smile on Seungmin’s features for the past few months, and he’s relieved. 

Chan opens his arms wide and catches Seungmin, hugging him tightly and clutching onto the back of his head to press a kiss to his temple. There’s a giggle and Seungmin pulls away, eyes focusing at a spot over Chan’s left shoulder, “Where are the others?” 

Jeongin comes up to both of them, stuffing Seungmin’s cane into the bag latched onto his shoulder. He’s wearing a thick hoodie, since it was cold on the way to the aquarium and even inside the place it wouldn’t get any better. He looks like a penguin, sticking his arms out as he walks. Seungmin looks the same, except his hoodie is oversized  _ and  _ thick. 

“The others,” Chan points behind him with his thumb, “are by the otters. Come on, I haven’t seen those little guys in so long and I’ve been  _ dying  _ to see them again!” 

He grabs Seungmin’s hand and tangles their fingers together, walking towards the otters with Jeongin at his other side. The youngest waddles over to Felix, grabbing his boyfriend by the back of his neck and pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

Felix squeaks from the sudden contact, “Hey, love! I missed you.” Jeongin giggles, pressing another kiss to Felix’s other cheek and then one on his lips, “Missed you, too.” 

Thankfully, Seungmin can’t see all that but he still makes gagging noises and earns himself a playful slap on the arm from Felix. 

Chan chuckles, “Minnie, Lix, behave.” 

Seungmin pouts but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he looks ahead at the otters, listening to them swim gracefully and emerge from the water with a toy or a random item from their exhibit. He loves the sounds of water moving as the hyper creatures move around and it always makes up for the unfortunate disadvantage of not being able to actually  _ see  _ the adorable animals. 

He’s happy, nonetheless, and he’s grateful. 

Tearing his eyes away from the otters, Felix immediately grabs Jeongin’s hand and tugs him over to the crabs, where the younger appears to be a bit hesitant to go near. He nearly freezes at the sight of them and Felix has to  _ drag  _ Jeongin over to the large display. 

It’s amusing to Chan, since Jeongin always was the tougher of the two when it came to things typically seen as unsettling. To see him be wary with crustaceans wasn’t expected, but alas everyone must have their weakness. 

He watches as Felix stares at the spider crab in awe as Jeongin keeps his distance from the display, stiffly nodding at whatever Felix was excitedly saying. It’s funny, he thinks as he turns back to the otters, but personally he’d rather  _ eat  _ the crabs, not stare at them. 

Seungmin’s excitedly jumping up and down, listening to the adorable sounds coming from the otters. He jumps with a bit too much energy on a particular hop and he nearly stumbles over his feet, grip on Chan’s hand tightening to keep himself steady. 

Chan grabs his waist, “Woah there, Min.” 

Seungmin blushes, silently thanking Chan for his help and stands upright. 

They’re silent for a moment until Jisung shuffles towards them, phone in one hand and a coffee in the other. They stop in front of Chan and holds out his phone for the older man to take, which he does. 

Chan taps through some messages and after taking a pause to read them, sighs deeply and hands the phone back to Jisung, who takes it as they sip their coffee. 

The Australian can only take a glance at Seungmin, who remains oblivious to anything occurring around him. 

“Looks like Hyunjin and Changbin won’t be joining us, guys.” 

Minho looks up from the touch tank, hand freezing midair just as he was about to poke a starfish for seemingly the umpteenth time. His eyebrows furrow in slight confusion and he breathes out, “Why?” 

Seungmin can only stare at him. 

Chan purses his lips, avoiding Seungmin’s potent gaze, and he runs his free hand through his hair. “Hyunjin told me that he and Changbin had originally planned to go to the planetarium and that they didn’t want to cancel their tickets.” 

“Oh,” comes from Seungmin. Minho glances over at him, mouth opening to say something but Seungmin beats him to it, “It’s fine. It’s whatever.” 

“Seungmin —”

“It’s  _ fine _ .” 

Chan and Minho exchange a worried look. Minho jerks his neck towards the boy holding Chan’s hand and the older of the two looks over at Seungmin and sighs, “Honey, let’s go over to the sea turtles, yeah?” 

The younger silently nods, staring down at the ground as if he’s trying to burn a hole into the floor of the aquarium with his eyes. His silence worries Chan, but there’s nothing that he can do without making Seungmin irritated or angry. 

They walk past beautiful blue tanks containing dozens upon dozens of fish, all in different colours and sizes. The fish swim past every onlooker quickly, creating a rainbow streak with the water and the light reflecting on it. 

Seungmin keeps his eyes fixated on the ground below him, carefully taking every step as if his life would be in peril if he didn’t. He doesn’t want to talk, Chan observes, and he knows it can’t all just be from their other two friends not being able to make it. 

“Minnie…” 

Seungmin’s head snaps up, eyes teetering between being focused and unfocused. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention, only really acknowledging that his name was called but nothing more. 

He takes a second to squeeze his eyes shut and shake his head, “Don’t worry about me, hyung. I’m fine.” 

_ He’s lying!  _

Seungmin goes back to looking at the floor, unable to muster any more words of reassurance, especially since he wasn’t quite reassured himself. 

Hyunjin seemed so adamant that Seungmin cancel his plans with his friends to hang out at the aquarium so why’d he cancel so suddenly on the exact day they were supposed to meet up? There’s just no way that they’d go to the planetarium over the  _ aquarium.  _

He’s frustrated, but he doesn’t want to worry anyone so as soon as Chan’s gaze lifts off his shoulders he plasters on a wide smile and asks the older what they’re currently standing in front of. 

His tone sounds forced but then again it was necessary to sell the façade that he was  _ fine.  _

When Chan releases his hand to go to the restroom, Jisung immediately appears to replace him. There’s a phone in one hand and the other is empty. The empty hand grabs Seungmin’s own and laces their fingers together, tightly squeezing his hand before looking back at the phone screen. 

Seungmin’s silent until Jisung suddenly says, “What’s got you brooding?” 

“I am  _ not  _ brooding.” 

Jisung quirks an eyebrow, smirking, “Look, I don’t know what goes on in that mysterious head of yours but whatever is happening can wait. We are here to admire the sea life, you can be angry in peace later.” 

A growl rips from Seungmin’s throat, “I just don’t understand why Hyunjin would force me to cancel on Renjun and Kunhang to come here but he doesn’t cancel his own shit! He was so persistent about hanging out today but where is he? Oh! At the fucking planetarium, far away from here.” 

Jisung blinks slowly, “I did not think that would work…”

The younger shakes his head and goes back to being silent. However, Jisung squeezes his hand and looks up at the ceiling, “Listen, it’s reasonable to be frustrated. But you need to understand Hyunjin’s perspective.” 

“What do I need to understand? He’s been absent from the group ever since he began to date Changbin hyung. He doesn’t make an effort to see us anymore even though he’s said that he misses us.” Seungmin sighs, “I just miss him.” 

Jisung’s gaze softens, and they shove their phone into his pocket so that he can cup Seungmin’s face with their now free hand, “Oh, Minnie. Why didn’t you say something?” 

But before Seungmin can answer, Chan returns with a wide smile on his face, bundles of churros in each of his hands. 

The mask Seungmin had on creeps up again as he faces Chan with a smile, gratefully accepting the churro and taking a big bite out of it. 


	5. measure five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungmin’s dream

_ “Seungmin-ah! Seungmin-ah, where are you?” His mother calls out, peeking into each and every room to check if her son is there. She’s quick on her feet, covering nearly half of the second floor in just a couple seconds, but still not able to find Seungmin anywhere.  _

_ “Seungmin! Dinner was an hour ago where are you?”  _

_ She jerks open the door to a guest bedroom and sighs when she finds Seungmin sitting right in the middle of the room, on his haunches with his viola laying in front of him. He’s still, staring at it as if it would run away if he drifted his sight for just a second.  _

_ “Seungmin,” His mother softly says, and her son looks towards her general direction, eyes etched with worry.  _

_ “Mother, what if I’m not perfect?”  _

_ She kneels down next to him, placing a gentle hand on his knee, “What do you mean, honey?” She smiles faintly, shoving the viola a bit off to the side, “You’re perfect.”  _

_ “I don’t feel like it.”  _

_ “You’re a blind prodigy, competing with  _ Mozart  _ in terms of talent — what do you mean you don’t feel like it?”  _

_ Seungmin exhales, blinking rapidly and tearing his gaze away from his mother, “Is that all I’m worth? A prodigy with pity points?”  _

_ His mother furrows her eyebrows, frowning at her son for thinking about himself in such a way. Seungmin shifts in his spot, looking down at his lap and crossing his arms over his stomach.  _

_ “What if it comes to the point where I’m not happy?” His voice grows cold, and it’s almost as if he’s now talking to himself instead of his mother who keeps her hand on his knee, never daring to remove it.  _

_ “What if I fall in love?”  _

_ “Love is the best thing that can happen to an individual, darling.”  _

_ “I’m scared, mother. I’m so scared. What if I love another and I cannot love my music anymore? What then?”  _

_ His mother squeezes his knee, bringing her other hand up to grab his arm and squeeze it as well, “If you truly love your first love, it will never leave you. First loves are always engraved in our souls; your music is part of you, Seungmin-ah.”  _

* * *

“I’m not happy.” 

His heart pangs at the verbal confession, spoken out with an overflowing confidence but only heard by the puppy in his hands. 

His confidence isn’t necessarily good, and he feels as if Daengmo knows what he’s feeling internally. 

Seungmin looks to the side, staring at where his closet would be located with a sad expression. His eyes were heavy, but his lips remained tight and straight. He knew his viola was locked in the closet at home, alone and possibly cold to the touch. 

He had found himself playing less and less, growing increasingly concerned with what he’s been feeling as of late, which was never intended to occur. 

_ “Hyunjin?”  _

_ The voice at the other side happily replies, “ _ Seungminnie! We were just talking about you! _ ”  _

_ Hyunjin sounds so cheery; it was nearly nauseating to hear him giggle into the receiver and tell Changbin to stop breathing down his neck. Seungmin felt himself holding back from spilling the dinner from the aquarium all over the carpet of Chan’s apartment. Instead, Seungmin sighs and closes his eyes, inhaling deeply.  _

_ “Are you happy?”  _

_ There’s a pause before Hyunjin answers, “ _ Yes, why? Are you okay? _ ”  _

_ Seungmin stiffly smiles, “I’m fine. I’m glad you’re happy.” God the words taste disgusting on his tongue.  _

_ “ _ Thank you! That means a lot coming from you. _ ”  _

_ “Oh I’m sure it does.”  _

“If he’s happy, then that’s all that matters.” Seungmin mutters to himself, sitting at the edge of the guest bed with Daengmo in his hold. Since Jeongin’s with Felix, Seungmin has to stay with Chan because neither Jeongin nor Seungmin were confident that the latter would survive alone in the apartment. 

Chan has always been a sort of older brother towards Seungmin, never hesitating to drop anything and everything to go help Seungmin at any time. Sure, he always gives Seungmin kisses on the cheek but they never held any romantic intentions, he just loved Seungmin as if he was his true younger brother. 

And the violist was grateful. 

Seungmin looks at the blob that is Daengmo, blinking slowly. 

He can’t seem to form a coherent thought. 

He feels horrible. As if he had been kicked in the stomach repeatedly by a steel-toed boot. Nothing feels right to him, nothing was going the way it used to. Back when he and Changbin were strangers, and Seungmin was just a kid who prioritised his viola over anything else. 

Now look at it. Collecting dust. 

_ “Changbin-ssi, right?”  _

_ The barista looks up at the mention of his name and tilts his head, “Er, can I help you?”  _

_ “My friend recommended this café to me but I think I need some assistance.” He notions towards his white cane with a sheepish smile, looking at the barista over his sunglasses.  _

_ The man drops his rag and quickly nods, “Sure! Let me just —” He hops over the counter with relative ease that Seungmin guesses this was an everyday occurrence for him. The jumping, that is. Changbin lands right in front of Seungmin, offering his forehead for Seungmin to take with both hands.  _

_ Surprised, the violist folds his cane and tucks it under his arm, grabbing Changbin’s forearm and allowing himself to be lead over to a table at a corner near the blazing fireplace.  _

_ It felt so natural, as if they had always been doing this. _

_ When Seungmin settles down in the booth and has his cane resting on the windowsill, Changbin hums and hands him the menu in Braille. It’s an extremely minimal gesture, but for some peculiar reason it has Seungmin’s heart doing a mild flip. _

_ “Here you go. Ring the bell that is at 3 o’clock when you’re ready to order.”  _

_ And when he departs, Seungmin feels cold again. _

He lies down, eyes immediately slipping shut when his head touches the overstuffed pillow, which will most likely give him a bit of neck pain in the morning. 

He falls asleep quickly, no need for mindless staring at the wall counting imaginary clouds to slip into slumber. 

When he opens his eyes, he finds himself in an empty room. Bare and stripped of everything aside from a single baby blue pacifier laying right in the middle. Seungmin squints and walks towards the pacifier, getting on one knee to pick it up. 

The pacifier is so familiar, Seungmin observes, as he turns the object over to look at the tiny music notes inscribed into the baby blue plastic. It seems new, untouched until Seungmin came in contact with it. 

“Mommy picked that out for us.” 

Seungmin whirls around, shocked to find a small child standing right in front of him with his hands behind his back. He looks just like the miniature version of himself, black bowl cut and all. He inwardly grimaces at the hair and curses his mother for choosing that hairstyle for him. 

Wait. 

_ He can see?! _

Seungmin gasps and drops the pacifier in his haste, scrambling to his feet and backing away from the child. The younger version of himself looks at him with curiosity, head tilted to the side like how a puppy would look at its owner with a treat on their hand. 

Seungmin looks around, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to get these images out of his head but he  _ can’t  _ and he finds himself staring back at the child, who just stares at him. 

“I can see… How?” 

The child shrugs, “You’re dreaming.” He takes a step closer and looks around the room with a bored expression on his face, as if he’s used to the room. The child glances back at Seungmin — who still can’t believe he can see — and gives him a grave look. 

“Are you happy?” 

Seungmin’s rather taken aback by the sudden question, and he decides to shoot it back at the kid, “Are  _ you _ happy?” 

The child blinks at him sourly, “I asked you.” 

Then, the child runs away. 

Seungmin sighs and chases after the boy, focusing solely on the quick child in front of him. As he runs, he doesn’t notice the walls beginning to come to life, showing snippets of Seungmin’s life as if it were a movie playing from a projector — except instead of one movie it was hundreds upon hundreds. 

Small, perhaps insignificant moments of Seungmin’s life were appearing before him, and he didn’t even notice. 

The child takes a sharp turn and Seungmin groans loudly, bringing his arm out as balance to keep himself from stumbling and falling. 

More and more memories appear, but Seungmin continues to remain oblivious. 

He despises how silent the boy is as he runs; no panting or any sign of a giggle from him as Seungmin has to keep himself from wheezing his lungs out from how horribly fast the kid is. 

He doesn’t have to refrain from doing so much longer because the child stops in front of a large display and looks up at it with wonder. 

Seungmin stops behind him and opens his mouth to curse at him when he notices the display and suddenly the thought of cursing the child out dissolves and he’s more focused on the horrifying moment in front of them both. 

_ “Hyunjin confessed to me.”  _

_ Seungmin’s entire body freezes.  _

A cold chill runs through the room as past Seungmin momentarily pauses to soak in the sudden news. 

_ “Oh? I never knew he had a thing for you.” His eyes sink downwards, focusing on his coffee so as to not linger on the topic of Hyunjin confessing. He appears to be rather defeated, and he pathetically stirs his hot chocolate.  _

_ Changbin brightens up and laughs silently, “I never knew either.”  _

Present Seungmin feels his stomach sink at the giddiness displayed by the barista, but he doesn’t know why. He can’t figure out why. He’s been trying so, so hard to crack his feelings, split them apart and find what’s inside but he’s been unsuccessful. 

_ “We went out last week and made it official.”  _

_ Seungmin drops his spoon and shakily exhales quietly. He clenches his jaw and looks from his hot chocolate to a spot over Changbin’s head, trying to keep himself steady. His hands tremble as he clenched his fists to steady himself, but to no avail.  _

_ Changbin looks so happy it’s sickening. Everything is sickening. Hyunjin. Changbin. Their stupid love for each other. Everything about those two makes Seungmin want to vomit everywhere any time they’re together. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID.  _

_ Why must they be happy at the cost of Seungmin’s internal suffering?  _

Present Seungmin tears his eyes away and bitterly scoffs, turning and facing away from the offensive display. 

“Are you happy?” 

Seungmin doesn’t answer. He can’t answer. He doesn’t know if he’s happy or not! How can he know what happiness is if he has never felt such a thing in his life? What is there to be happy about? His hands continue to tremble even then, but this time they do not grasp for any ground. They simply hang limp and useless. 

For the first time ever, Seungmin is rendered useless. 

There’s an eerie silence, one that sends a chill down his spine and through his chest. It hurts. Has it been hurting? Whatever, he needs to  _ breathe.  _

Nocturne, Chopin, measure one from the top. In, out, in, out, in, out. Repeat. 

God he wants to throw up.

Behind him, the child answers, “We were never happy.” 

Seungmin doesn’t look up but he inhales sharply and brings a hand up to rub at his temples. The child’s emotionless voice has already been irritating him but now, after the harsh reality has been dropped on Seungmin’s already loaded shoulders, it feels as if the child doesn’t care at all. As if he’s mocking Seungmin. 

“How? How are you so stoic?” Seungmin tears his hand away from his face and hugs himself, “How can you just stand there and tell me that I’ve —  _ We  _ have never been fucking happy in our stupid, miserable lives?! Do you not feel any of my pain?” 

He begins to walk away, looking up at the memories playing around him and he begins to feel nauseous once more. The fake happiness, the fake laughs, everything was pure horror to bear. 

“This isn’t real! None of these damn memories are real! I’ve been faking my entire life — I’m a fraud. I’m an idiot—”

He stops right in front of another large display, except this one had an infant being cradled in his mother’s arms. The infant seems so peaceful, eyes closed and face beautifully resting without enduring any of life’s worries. 

The infant is smiling, reaching out blindly with his chubby little fists towards his mother, making a bit of noise as he did so. He’s so innocent, so happy and at peace right there and then, just being cradled by his mother and opening his mouth in a silent giggle when his mother gives his tummy a little tickle. 

_ “Remember my darling, nobody is perfect and you’ll know. Perhaps a thousand better things you’ll have but being perfect not.”  _

The infant slowly begins to open his eyes, and his mother smiles as tears begin to fill her eyes as his own show to be white and cloudy. 

_ “My darling, Seungmin. Nobody is perfect and you’ll know.”  _

Present Seungmin stumbles back and falls to his knees, continuing to look up as his mother gives his past self watery kisses, smiling as she whispers that everything will be okay, to not worry for mommy is here. 

His own face suddenly feels wet and he lifts a finger to his cheek and pulls it back to find a tear sitting on the tip. 

_ “See, blind. Just how we told you.”  _

_ “It doesn’t matter. He’s my son, and I love him. I love him. My darling Seungmin, I love you.”  _

Then, Seungmin breaks down, sobbing pathetically into his hands. Strong, heart wrenching sobs that echo throughout the room. Ones that even make the child behind him grimace at. 

“I’m sorry, mommy.” The child softly says, and Seungmin only sobs harder at that. 

It feels like his lungs are being torn from his chest piece by piece at a slow but burning pace. He can’t breathe, he can’t see again, and he’s cold. He’s so cold, he can’t help but want to be in Changbin’s hold again. 

_ Changbin.  _

Everything is dark. And the child is gone.

Seungmin finds himself back in the guest bed again. 

He shakily exhales, lifting his hands up to his face to rub at it as if that would help him steady himself once more. As he pulls his hands away, he notices that his tremors have gotten more intense. Though he couldn’t see, he feels them vibrate with enough force to accidentally cause a vibrato on his viola. 

He sits up, pulling his knees to his chest and placing his face in the valley between them. 

Nothing makes sense. 

He silently sighs and looks at the wall, hands tangling themselves in the covers with enough force to turn his knuckles white. He can’t think, everything is blank for him. The only thing resonating in his mind is the clear image of the child apologising to his mother, but for what?

What was the child apologising for? 

“’Nobody is perfect, and you’ll know…’” Seungmin whispers to himself, wrapping his arms around his knees to tug them closer, “Well I know that now. Look at me — a prodigy born with a silver spoon in his hand. I have everything I could ever wish for but I’m flawed in so many ways. I astoundingly fail at communication, I’m emotionally constipated, and I willingly shut off anyone who expresses the slightest concern over me.” 

He’s a lost violist in search of his conductor. 

“God, I’m so stupid.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly only began to write this to cope with my own eyesight slipping away from me but now i’ve grown to be happy of this work and i do consider it one of my best works (second after boy in yellow) and it makes me happy to see comments so :] 
> 
> also seungbin won’t be happening for another while so i’ll keep you entertained with some drama and fun ;)


	6. measure six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeongin being sassy and some cameos

“So what you’re saying is that Seungmin isn’t here?” 

Jeongin slowly nods, unsure of why Hyunjin seemed to appear so disappointed at what he had just been told. 

Hyunjin throws himself onto the sofa, groaning loudly and throwing a hand over his eyes, “I need to talk to him. He’s been acting so weird lately that it’s starting to worry me, Jeongin. At first it was just ‘oh maybe he’s cranky’ but now it’s actually concerning.” 

“He seems content whenever I’m with him.” 

The older man shoots up from his seat and throws his arms in front of him, eyes now crazed and wide, “See! He acts all dandy around you guys but with me it’s like he hates me! He’s always so bitter with me.” 

Jeongin rolls his eyes, getting up from the floor and dusting his hands off. He grabs the robot he was playing with and places it on the shelf by the large television. Turning back to Hyunjin, Jeongin shakes his head and moves towards the kitchen. 

“If you haven’t noticed, hyung, you’ve barely been around. This is like, what, the third time you’ve stepped foot in this apartment this month? Seungmin’s not stupid; he knows exactly why you haven’t been able to visit much.” 

“But I’m with my boyfriend.” 

“The same boyfriend you ditched us for last Saturday, yes.” 

“The tickets were non refundable…” 

Jeongin sighs, closing the refrigerator and facing Hyunjin, “Did you forget that you had something else scheduled for Saturday when you practically forced Seungmin to cancel his own plans for that day? Come to think of it,” he turns away again, “neither of you mentioned a planetarium date for that day, hyung.” 

Hyunjin is silent. 

“So I wonder why Seungmin suddenly doesn’t want to talk to you.” Jeongin finishes, tossing in a spoonful of chia seeds into his smoothie and mixing it in the rather thick substance. 

“It’s not my fault though.” 

“I never said it was.” 

Hyunjin sits back down and groans, “Why can’t he just talk with me about how he feels? I’m not psychic — I don’t know what he feels half the time!” 

Jeongin throws a bottle of water at him and takes a sip of his own smoothie, “I’ll talk to him. If he kills me, you owe me an extravagant funeral.” 

“Why would he kill you?!” 

“Do you have any idea how much Seungmin hates expressing how he feels? I swear, he’s almost impossible to get through! I still have no idea what bothered him that one night we went to see  _ Endgame  _ together and I don’t think he’ll ever tell me. The least you can do is organise my funeral just in case, hyung.” 

Hyunjin blinks once, twice, three times. He lets out a low whistle of astonishment and leans back, stretching his limbs out, “Wow. Okay.” 

Jeongin lifts an eyebrow, “So?” 

“Yeah I’ll get right to it.” Hyunjin answers as he pulls out his phone to look for cheap coffins for sale. 

* * *

Up, down, down… No, up. Or is it down? 

Seungmin lowers his bow, silently sitting at the edge of the stage and swinging his feet back and forth over the massive drop. He hums to himself, throwing his head back to take a glimpse of the bright lighting above him. 

His head mildly hurts, it always does, but this time it was worse than usual. He can’t concentrate properly on the piece he was currently working on, and it annoys him to no end. 

Everything is just so wrong. He isn’t speaking to Hyunjin as much as he did before  _ and  _ he hasn’t seen Changbin since that one night at the Starbucks. What used to be normal for him has now completely flown out the window, gone and nowhere to be found. 

He misses Changbin so much. In fact, he misses him a bit more than he should and it confuses him. He misses his warmth, his laugh, the happy aura that just surrounds him so easily and consistently. And the usual smell of smoked wood and coffee that hangs off him is also missed by Seungmin. 

He’s so confused. He’s never noticed such details in his friends before, so why did he notice them with Changbin? 

He shakes his head to get the question out of his head. Hopefully at the moment Changbin is with his boyfriend, probably cuddling and doing what couples do. His heart clenches at the thought but he ignores it, not having enough energy to dispute whatever is happening inside himself. 

“Why must everything be so confusing?” 

He gets up again and grabs his bow, positioning his viola to the appropriate position before placing his bow delicately on the strings, commencing with a down bow. 

_ Fly me to the moon _

_ Let me play among the stars _

_ Let me see what spring is like _

_ On a, Jupiter and Mars _

His song choice seems rather cheesy, but he can’t be assed to care about it. He just wants to play something — anything — to get his mind off his own thoughts. He doesn’t want to think. He can’t think. 

Why was he here anyway?

He had no use here at the chamber — nor anywhere to be exact. All he did nowadays was sulk and let his mind get the best of him, but the least he could do for his own sake is polish his viola and at least  _ try  _ to play it. His attempt was working, and it was nice. 

Seungmin takes a step back and forth, getting into the slow melody of the song. He loves the soft intonations of the notes, and he finds them oddly comforting given his current situation. 

_ In other words, hold my hand _

_ In other words, baby, kiss me _

The playing does nothing to get his mind off anything. In fact, it only fuels his thoughts and he now envisions himself back at the café, reading the menu that Changbin had given him with shaky fingers. 

_ Distantly, he can hear Changbin laugh at a joke the other barista — Seonghwa — makes and he smiles to himself. Seonghwa’s jokes were always funny, and no doubt that was what made Seungmin smile; especially when Seonghwa tells another one that has Changbin laughing loudly, sending a sort of warmth throughout the café.  _

_ ‘Fill my heart with song _

_ And let me sing for ever more _

_ You are all I long for _

_ All I worship and adore _

_ In other words, please be true _

_ In other words, I love you’ _

_ The words fill his mind as he scans through the menu, fingers quickly moving across so he can order as soon as possible. The song is lovely, filling him up with warmth and keeping him grounded. It’s cheesy, but then again it fit the atmosphere of the café a little too well.  _

_ Changbin comes back, and he happily asks if Seungmin is ready to order.  _

_ Seungmin’s flustered, and in his haste he orders a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. Changbin laughs when he quietly mentions the extra sweets and it makes Seungmin blush. He wasn’t usually a sucker for sweets but marshmallows always swayed him somehow and he loved to sip on the hot beverage as they melted into a fluffy layer at the brim.  _

_ Changbin takes the menu from Seungmin and says that his order will be ready soon, and to once again ring the bell for assistance.  _

He misses the barista so much. But he had his other priorities to get to. As for example, his boyfriend. Changbin had a love to give attention to and Seungmin shouldn’t get in the way for his own selfish reasons.

Seungmin walks the lonely road in search for his conductor. He walks and walks to no avail but he doesn’t stop searching. He doesn’t give up at all, and it’s sad. Hyunjin has already found his conductor, but where was Seungmin’s? 

He’s lost, not knowing which measure to start at nor to end at. He doesn’t know anything, he’s stupidly clueless. 

Seungmin stops playing and lowers his bow, “Fill my heart with song and let me sing forever more. You are all I long for, all I worship and adore. In other words, please be true. In other words —”

“Yah! Seungmin-ah! There you are.” 

Minho’s voice shakes Seungmin out of his stupor and the violist quickly proceeds to pack up his viola, just managing to lock it as Minho approaches the steep staircase of the stage and glances up. 

“Come on, we gotta get going.” He extends his hand out and Seungmin takes it, allowing himself to be guided down the stairs. Minho’s hand is cold, and Seungmin isn’t used to it being so cool so when he hisses at the contact, he isn’t surprised to hear a giggle from the older man. 

They don’t make it far before there’s another voice calling their names and Minho stops, sending Seungmin crashing forwards into him with an ‘Oof!’ 

Minho gives him an apologetic look, “What’s popping, Kevin?” 

Ah. Kevin Moon, the bass player that sits behind Seungmin, also an employee at the café where Changbin worked at. 

Kevin takes a couple steps forward and looks from Minho to Seungmin and back, “Changbin is actually looking for Seungmin-ssi. He says it’s urgent and that he must meet him at the first private luncheon as soon as possible.” 

Well. That’s a surprise. 

“Oh so you’re playing messenger today?” 

“No! I just happened to be walking by him when he noticed me and asked me where I was going. When I told him that I was going to the chamber he told me to send along a message.” He shifts awkwardly and glances over at Seungmin, “I think you should go.” 

Seungmin takes a moment to think it over. 

Why would Changbin want to meet him? Has he done something to offend the older man? Or does he just want to catch up — especially since they haven’t had much time to talk ever since that night. Then again, if he wanted to catch up, he could’ve just messaged Seungmin instead of being weird about it. 

Kevin’s tone doesn’t seem fun, and it makes Seungmin wonder what exactly Changbin had told him. He knows he didn’t just say to give him a vague message, no. Changbin liked detail, anything that didn’t have at least an in-depth explanation was not something that Changbin would say. 

He remembers the attitude he’s given Hyunjin recently, and his heart sinks. 

No doubt Changbin was going to play hero and save his boyfriend from the mean Seungmin. The mean, spoiled Seungmin. At that thought, Seungmin’s hands turn into fists and his knuckles turn white as his grip on his case tightens drastically. 

Sighing heavily through his nose, Seungmin takes in a deep breath and nods, “Yeah. I’ll go. Excuse me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no


	7. measure seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> owie

Why did Seungmin have to make the dumbest of choices? 

He currently stood in front of the door to the private room Changbin had reserved for their lunch period. He’s as solid as a plank, standing completely upright and with one hand raised to read what the plaque read. 

_ Room 1 _

Room one, room hell, both were the same; they worried Seungmin to death. 

Sure, he’s completely stoic as he faces the door, but inside he’s having a complete meltdown with miniature Seungmin’s running around an ablazen building.

The area surrounding the room is empty, save for some administrators lounging at the corner, not really paying any attention to whatever and whoever came into the area. Seungmin sighs through his nose, biting the inside of his lip before lowering the hand on the plaque to the cold door handle. 

His hands are trembling, each wave far stronger than the ones he usually experienced. They each came with their own chill, repeatedly sending chills and trembles simultaneously in large, towering waves. Each grows increasingly larger, and it terrifies him to the point that he just stands there, facing straight at the mahogany door. 

Seungmin closes his eyes and inhales, holding it in for a split second before gripping the handle firmly and pushing it down. 

The door opens, and a gush of cold air hits him as soon as the door moves halfway. He sharply flinches at the unexpected change in temperature, nearly freezing in place but he catches himself and continues to enter the room. He can see Changbin sitting in one of the few chairs scattered all over the private room. He’s silent, arms appearing to be crossed across his chest and that alone only manages to make Seungmin more nervous. 

Seungmin shuts the door behind him and stays in place, not knowing what to do with his free hand so he sets down his viola, folds his white cane, and places both arms at his side. He bows stiffly, not saying anything and keeping his gaze away from the other man. 

“What has gotten into you?” 

Seungmin immediately stands upright and cocks an eyebrow, “What do you mean?” 

“You know exactly what I mean, Seungmin.” His voice is colder than the room, and Seungmin can feel his heart get pierced by the older man. 

Licking his lips, Seungmin’s eyes glance at the floor and back to Changbin. He can’t respond, he just can’t. How can he respond without sounding like an immature, spoiled child?

That’s exactly who he is, though. An immature, spoiled child born with everything handed to him in a heartbeat. Oh the great Kim Seungmin, the best violist the school has seen since the fifties, can’t handle not getting his way for once. He just  _ has to get _ his way at all times. 

He knows that’s what they all think of him. Every single one of his friends has most certainly labelled Seungmin as rather spoiled at least once in their friendship. 

Seungmin’s bitter thoughts swirl and he squeezes his eyes to clear his mind, “There is nothing to talk about.” 

Changbin stands up and Seungmin backs away a bit. He can feel the rising frustration coming from the barista and it was scalding to say the least. He feels like he’s next to a volcano ready to erupt, and it’s dangerous. 

“Can you just man up for once in your life and  _ talk _ ? Why is it so hard for you to fucking open up, Seungmin?” Changbin exasperatedly asks, hands flying from his chest to rub at his face. Seungmin looks down again, not knowing what to do or what to say. 

“I’m just tired.” He finally whispers, gathering his things and quickly leaving, ignoring Changbin’s protests. 

He practically runs outside, going left and running until he can’t run anymore. He speeds past other students, and surely he must look rather silly to them but he can’t stop to linger on that. The other students were useless anyway. 

It’s freezing outside, the wind from his own run knocking against his lean body and making his hair fall over his eyes. His chest starts to burn, but he doesn’t cease running. He keeps going until he hits some branches and his chest causes him to fall down to his knees. Seungmin lets go of his viola and clutches at his chest, breathing heavily and nearly wheezing. 

His chest is in flames, sending fire throughout every part of his body. From his hands to his feet, Seungmin is swallowed by the flames of selfishness. 

His body slumps to the ground, head hitting the grass with an audible sound but Seungmin doesn’t care. He closes his eyes instead, the only sounds around him being his wheezy breathing and the gentle breeze. 

The sky is grey. 

His world is black and white. 

He’s just so unhappy. 

Seungmin doesn’t hear anyone approaching him, but when Changbin’s low voice softly calls his name he flinches and covers his face with his arm. 

“Seungmin?” 

“I’m sorry.”

Changbin doesn’t say anything but he grabs his hand, “Come on, let’s get you up.” He pulls the younger to his feet and removes the grass and leaves off his clothes. Seungmin can only stand there, letting Changbin do what he sees fit before pulling away and looking at him with a sad expression. 

Before Changbin can speak, Seungmin says, “I hate losing.” 

“You’ve always hated losing.” Changbin replies. And if Seungmin strains his ears enough, he can hear the teasing tone behind it. Seungmin bitterly laughs, shaking his head and smiling as he bit his lip. He looks off to the side, and that’s when the snowfall begins. 

Both men ignore the sprinkle of snowflakes beginning to fall and just continue to stare at each other. 

Seungmin wishes he could see the snow. He wishes he could see just how beautiful it was at the moment. He’s never seen snow, he’s never seen what nature looks like and he just wants to know, even if it's for a small moment. 

“Is it beautiful? The snow?” 

There’s a sharp inhale from Changbin but he replies, “Yeah, it is.” 

Seungmin nods silently, blinking rapidly to keep the oncoming tears at bay. His chest still burns, but the fire has died down significantly. His heart, however, begins to spark a different flame — a flame that is more painful than the last. 

Apart from nature’s wonders, Seungmin has never seen Mother Nature’s parasite. Human faces.. Seungmin has never seen one. Every face he’s ever encountered he’s touched with permission to map out their features; it’s how he found out about Chan’s dimple and Jisung’s heart shaped smile, but there’s one face he’s never mapped out. 

He lifts up a hand but stops himself. 

A single tear falls. 

“Seungmin-ah…” 

“Please, let me touch your face.” he shakily pleads, hands frozen in the air between them, trembling. Seungmin’s eyes clenched shut and a harsh intake of breath was ripped out of him, filling his lungs up with the cold air as his tears slowly cascade down his cheeks. 

“I just want to see you,” he whispers. His hands falter slightly and there’s another intake of breath before Changbin’s grabbing his hands with his own and putting them on his face. 

Seungmin falls against him, feeling Changbin’s strong arms wrap themselves around his body as he cries into his chest, hands slowly moving all over the older’s face. his fingers map out the most intricate of details, focusing the most on his structure. His hands are still shaky, but Changbin doesn’t mind it at all. 

Seungmin’s calloused fingers halt at his lips, delicately touching them as if they were to break if he put the slightest bit of pressure on them. 

In a sudden movement, Seungmin recoils back and peels himself off Changbin, stumbling backwards a bit before steadying himself and hugging himself. He's still crying, but now his teeth are tightly clenched. Changbin worries that he might chip a tooth. 

He tries to step forward to help but Seungmin takes a step back and brings his hand up to wipe at his eyes with the butt of his hand. He straightens up a bit and shakes his head slowly.

“All I’ve ever wanted was to see my audience. I've always wanted nothing but to see the way I would trigger foreign emotions to the people through my music. that’s all i’ve desired to see, just once if God would allow it.” 

“Seungmin—”

“I’m so selfish. Did you know that? I’m such a selfish bastard. An idiot who hates losing anything.” 

Changbin grabs his arm, gripping it with a bit of force, “What do you mean? You’re literally a child prodigy and in one of the most renowned orchestras in the world-- you haven’t lost anything.” 

Seungmin could laugh, and so he does. He crackles hoarsely in Changbin’s face and tugs his arm away, jostling the barista a bit. 

“Remember the day you told me you began dating Hyunjin?” At Changbin’s nod, Seungmin backs away and laughs once more, tears rolling down his face as snow accumulates around them in layers. Changbin’s silent, and Seungmin knows that he’s clueless. Stupidly clueless. 

A jenga tower on its last brick. 

“That was the day I lost you.” 

Collapse. And silence. 

“Don’t you get it? I just  _ had  _ to fall in love with something other than my music. I just had to betray my pride and dignity to chase some person around like a stupid, lovestruck puppy with no sense of self. My mother once told me that love is the best thing that can happy to someone but if that’s the case, then why am I fucking miserable?!” 

“I don’t understand—” Changbin starts, but a sob forces its way out of Seungmin and the other man stops speaking to help but Seungmin takes another step back and shakes his head. 

“I just had to fall in love with you, Seo Changbin. I just had to become a little bitch chasing after unreciprocated love with false hope that perhaps one day you’d break up with — with  _ him  _ and you’d be mine.” 

“Seungmin please breathe! Calm down for me, please? I’m not angry or anything I just need you to inhale and exhale for me.” He might as well be begging with his tone but Seungmin doesn’t need the extra pressure on him. 

Nodding, Seungmin inhales slowly, hiccuping as more tears fall down his nearly frozen cold face. It’s difficult, but he manages to gradually even out his breathing through Changbin’s careful coaching. As soon as his breathing is back to normal, Changbin carefully approaches him. 

“Can I hug you?” 

Seungmin nods so fast Changbin swears he could match against a bobble head doll but he pushes that thought aside and takes the boy into his arms, wrapping them tightly around his shoulders and bringing his head down so that his own chin can rest on top. 

As he picks up the faint smell of Seungmin’s berry shampoo, he closes his eyes and thinks about his conversation with Hyunjin the night previous. 

_ “I think.. I don’t think we are going to last long.”  _

_ Hyunjin looks up from his book with a confused face, “What?”  _

_ “Look, I love you and all but I’m starting to feel as if it’s more like a friend. You’re amazing, truly, but I don’t have feelings for you anymore.”  _

_ “Then — then who?”  _

_ Changbin looks from Hyunjin to the photo hanging above him. It was a photo of their friends, all hunched over one another to fit into the frame. Their faces were bright, happy, and filled with contagious smiles.  _

_ “I don’t know.”  _

“Come on, Minnie, let’s get you to some place that’s warm.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well?


	8. measure eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> discussions

“We need to talk.” 

“We do.” 

Changbin spots a small, round table and guides Seungmin to it. He sits him down on one of the chairs before doing the same himself and crossing his legs, sighing. 

“How long have you known?” was all he asked. A heavy question, but crucial. Seungmin leans forward and rests his chin on his hand, “I.. I had this dream. It was a sort of realisation.” 

Changbin tilts his head in curiosity, and urges Seungmin to continue with a gentle double tap on the surface of the red table. It was a routine gesture the two of them had come up with, and one of the many displays of their compatibility and understanding for each other. 

“I could see. I saw my younger self, he seemed so miserable when I laid eyes on him and — I saw my mother. She’s  _ beautiful.  _ She was holding me.. telling me things about how nobody’s perfect and stuff. She seemed so happy to have me in her arms and I felt horrible for being so, so unhappy in the world she was so ecstatic to bring me into.” Seungmin closes his eyes and inhales deeply through his mouth, letting the breath of air escape through his nose in the heaviest sigh. 

“But.. what really devastated me was my raw reaction to you telling me that you began dating Hyunjin. I seemed so in denial then, I looked as if my world had been destroyed right before my very eyes. And — and I just appeared to be so broken.” Seungmin whispers the last part, eyes opening once again to show a fresh batch of tears ready to be spilled. 

“Hey, I’m glad that you’re opening up to me, Min. If you want, you can continue and I’ll listen to everything. If you don’t, we can take you home whenever you’re ready. It’s up to you, Seungmin-ah.” 

Seungmin nods at the offer, but decides to continue. Hell, he’s already said too much, why not just let everything spill? 

“I’m not sure when I last was the happiest. I’ve been so miserable for the longest time I’ve nearly convinced myself that happiness just isn’t achievable for someone like me. And I think to myself that it’s stupid because I was born with everything a child could ever want, I’m a prodigy, and I’m first chair viola at the country’s best orchestra. My life was pretty much set out for me from the very start, but why am I so unhappy?” 

He continues, “I’ve never seen rain. Never got a glimpse of holiday decorations nor some of the most renowned artworks in our history. I’ve never seen the fall leaves, the snowflakes' unique structures — I’ve been missing out on the things you people take for granted. I’ve never seen my audience. The people who support me have never been seen by me.” 

He turns towards Changbin and places a hand on the table, “What have I done in my past life to deserve a curse in a blessing’s disguise? What debt do I owe the powers above? I hate being blind, hyung. I hate being a prodigy and I abhor being seen as a pity case by everyone!” 

“Oh Minnie,” Changbin softly replies, “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Because,” Seungmin shakily says, “Because everyone assumes I’m so happy to be this privileged. If I said anything they’d take it as the spoiled kid having a tantrum over something so minuscule.  _ ‘Everyone suffers from depression — you’re not special!’ _ I know. I know, I know, I know!” He has his head in his hands now, palms covering his eyes as he whisper screams to himself. 

“No one takes me seriously,” is what he says after a moment of tense silence. 

“It’s because you won’t let them.” 

“What?” 

Changbin sighs, leaning forward and folding his arms across the table’s surface, “You don’t open up and when you do you brush it away by saying that you’re fine. Everyone else accepts that you’re fine but there’s some of us that know that you’re not fine and that you’re grasping at anything to keep yourself on track.” 

“Some of us?” 

“Jeongin and I. That night Hyunjin and I hung out at yours? When you went to your bedroom so suddenly, we both looked at each other and something was passed between us.” 

“Oh.” is all that Seungmin says. 

Pursing his lips, Changbin looks at the floor then back at Seungmin, who’s still looking as if he may cry. He sighs for the umpteenth time, and gently says, “Is there more?” 

Seungmin peeks at him, cloudy eyes looking a bit lost, “I feel as if I’ve been taken advantage of. If it weren’t for my disability, I perhaps wouldn’t have been shoved into the spotlight so early in my life. At times I feel as if I’m just my parents’ token child; the one to brag about at dinners with other upper class families.” 

“Elaborate,” Changbin softly says. 

“I was always treated like a little sideshow attraction; made to perform in front of their guests whenever they wanted me to. They love me, they really do, but they’ve made me feel like I’m nothing but just some sick form of bragging rights to them.” 

“Oh Seungmin…” 

“Most people have perhaps accepted their circumstances at my age, but I wish I wasn’t blind.” His voice is shaky at the end, teetering on the edge of being emotional, and it hurts Changbin to see him continue to fight his emotions even after opening up. 

So, he slips off the chair and walks over to Seungmin on his knees. He grabs his hands and pries them off his face, tangling his own with them. Seungmin looks surprised, but the tears sitting at the edge of his waterline tell Changbin everything that needs to be said. 

“I know it doesn’t help, but you’re perfect to me. I don’t hang around you in hopes of getting a free show from you, but because I genuinely like the kid behind the viola. The viola? That’s just an accessory. You’re far more important than some bunch of wood.” 

Seungmin blinks, and lets loose to some tears, “What?” 

“Seungmin, you’re a beautiful person both outside and in. You’re worth more than your viola, and I’m gonna make sure that you realise that one day.” 

“Doubt it.” 

Changbin suddenly reaches up and plants a kiss to Seungmin’s forehead which makes the younger gasp in shock and begin to sob openly. Close to tears himself, Changbin gathers Seungmin into his arms, pulling him off the chair and placing onto his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around him. 

The sobs coming from Seungmin are absolutely gut wrenching, and Changbin tries to shush him by rocking him. Each sob that rips out of Seungmin hurts more than the next and it’s not long before Changbin himself begins to silently cry, tears slowly falling down his face and neck. 

They’re both crying now, one violently and the other silently. 

One soul hurting more than the other, but both in pain. 

One miserable, and the other? The other wants to help with that. He wants to show the younger that everything will be fine. But how can he if he’s not sure himself? 


	9. measure nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happier chapter for the soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no notes! just hope you’re well :)

They arrive back at Seungmin’s shared apartment. The lights are still on so one could only assume that Jeongin was still awake. Changbin couldn’t blame him, though. He’d be awake as well if his roommate had gone missing since late lunch. 

Seungmin hands him the keys and Changbin unlocks the door, twisting the doorknob open and inhaling at the warm, homey atmosphere that hits him. 

“There you are!” Jeongin first exclaims as Changbin and Seungmin walk through the door, arms linked together. “Changbin hyung? What’re you doing here?” 

“Do you mind if I sleep here tonight? I’m too tired to go home.” Changbin scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, laughing softly at his excuse. 

Jeongin buys it, “Of course? Do you need to call Hyunjin hyung or something?” 

“No! No, I don’t. I’ll just text him before going to sleep.” 

Seungmin yawns loudly, head falling onto Changbin’s shoulder and in his dazed headspace, he doesn’t realise it. “You can sleep in my room with me, sofa’s too uncomfortable anyway.” 

“I was just about to suggest sleeping with you.” 

“Glad to hear we are on the same wavelength.” 

Seungmin doesn’t say anything else, and Changbin worries that he may fall asleep before setting his viola down so with a quick goodnight to Jeongin, he guides a sleepy Seungmin to his bedroom. 

A comfortable silence hangs over them, and for once Changbin doesn’t feel suffocated. 

Seungmin’s practically asleep at his side by the time they manage to reach his bedroom and it’s adorable how Seungmin just lets Changbin do what he needs to do to get him ready for bed. He’s completely pliant, only mumbling here and there in protest when Changbin turns away to put up his viola. 

“Shh,” Changbin softly shushes, “Let me put the blanket over you.” 

“But you’re.. not here…” Seungmin sleepily whispers, eyes closed shut and face relaxed. He looks so peaceful and it brings relief to Changbin. Compared to what happened earlier, he’d take a relaxed Seungmin any day. 

Changbin grabs the blanket — which is extremely soft — and throws it over Seungmin, smoothing it out and making sure it covered him entirely before grabbing his stuffed puppy from the corner of the bed and placing it next to his head. 

“I’ll join you in a moment, Min. I gotta do something first,” He kisses his forehead and goes to the en-suite bathroom, closing the door behind him and turning on the fan to make it harder for the other to accidentally eavesdrop. 

He pulls out his phone and goes to messages, tapping on Hyunjin’s contact. When the keyboard comes up, he immediately starts typing a message to the younger:

  
  


**Me:** i’m sorry, but we’re done. for real. 

  
  


He sighs in relief at the huge weight that lifts off his shoulders, and he feels like he can properly breathe for once in his life. Changbin leans against the wall, and his phone buzzes. 

  
  


**Hyunjin:** why 

**Hyunjin:** what did i do to you?

**Hyunjin:** i thought we were doing okay 

**Me:** i just.. i just don’t feel comfortable continuing this relationship. you were amazing, don’t get me wrong, but i’d like to breathe. 

No other message is sent by Hyunjin and that’s when Changbin shuts his phone off, turning off the fan of the bathroom and going back to the bedroom. 

Seungmin is softly snoring now, features delicately on display under the moonlight. He’s beautiful, and his beauty is only amplified by the moon of which he is submerged in. 

Changbin places his phone on the bedside table and carefully climbs onto the bed, discarding the need for a blanket and instead turning to face Seungmin. 

With one final kiss to his forehead, Changbin closes his own eyes and drifts off. 

* * *

Seungmin is alone when he wakes up. Or so he thinks until he hears the sound of a TikTok coming from next to him and then there’s a “Good morning, sunshine.” 

Changbin’s voice is deep, and it nearly drives Seungmin crazy but he keeps his cool and merely blushes at the pet name. 

“Hi.” is all he says, voice tiny and tired. 

Changbin laughs and places his hand on Seungmin’s knee, squeezing it, “Do you want to come to work with me today? Hongjoong’s gonna be there — Seonghwa just texted me — and since today’s an off day there’s really nothing for you to do, is there?” 

Seungmin thinks, bottom lip sticking out as he lifts a finger in thought. Ever the prudent student, Seungmin had finished his schoolwork right before the beginning of the week. He never had anything to do then so why not just finish everything so he’d have free time during the week?

(That’s why he’s never in class.) 

He hums, lowering his finger and bouncing a bit on the bed, “Okay! Okay I wanna go.” His voice is high pitched and he practically vibrates in excitement, even if he’s just going to hang out at the coffee shop the entire day. 

“Cute.” 

“What?” 

“You heard me.” 

* * *

With a cup of hot chocolate sitting at his side, Seungmin is at peace. To be back at the familiar atmosphere feels so, so amazing and to have things less frustrating inside his mind brings him so much relief from the insane weight he once carried on his shoulders. 

It’s snowing outside, just like yesterday, and it amplifies the holiday feeling by ten. 

Changbin had insisted on dressing warmly, grabbing a white parka from his closet and practically shoving the younger into it to be ‘safe’. He also had tied a scarf around Seungmin’s pale neck and from the pressure on Seungmin, it felt as if he stopped to stare at violist for a bit before lowering his hands back to his sides. 

All the while, Changbin had opted for a simple coat. 

Now Seungmin sat at his usual table, loving the unusual calm hours of the store. He supposes it’s because of the snow basically locking everyone in. Even then, he’s grateful for the inclement weather. 

The table — a booth, actually — rattles as another person joins him. From the sigh that leaves the other individual, Seungmin can guess that it’s Hongjoong, Seonghwa’s boyfriend and helper as the latter recovered from top surgery. 

“I wanted to help Hwa with the heavy lifting but he smacked my hand and told me to join you so here I am.” 

Seungmin laughs, taking a sip of his drink and smacking his lips, “Why’s he doing that anyway? He’s still in recovery.” 

Hongjoong shrugs, taking a small bite of his cookie, “He doesn’t want to feel helpless but I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t accidentally injure himself, y’know?” 

“And it’s reasonable that you want to worry about me, love, but I’m not fragile.” Seonghwa’s voice gets closer, and once again the table rattles as Seonghwa seats himself right next to Hongjoong. 

“I am  _ not  _ going to do a couple's counselling.” is the first thing Seungmin says when he realises he has the couple right in front of him. 

“And you won’t.” Suddenly Changbin’s sitting next to him and Seungmin welcomes the familiar warmth and scent of the older man with an appreciative hum. 

Changbin places his drink on the table and wraps an arm around Seungmin, “Sorry we weren’t able to come visit you when you were in recovery.. classes are a pain in the ass.” 

Seonghwa acknowledges the arm around Seungmin and winks at Changbin but doesn’t say anything else about it, “It’s fine! I think I was already overwhelmed with Jongho and the others around me twenty-four seven so you honestly helped me to  _ not  _ go insane.” 

“Oh that’s good, then. Glad to have you back at work — the place was so boring without you  _ and  _ Seungmin hanging around.” 

“Speaking of Seungmin,” Hongjoong pipes in, “You seem brighter today.. what happened?” 

Seungmin snaps out of his daze and blinks as he shakes his head, “Huh? Oh. Honestly nothing happened. I just finally let everything I’ve been holding inside flow out.” 

Hongjoong’s mouth forms a small ‘o’ in understanding, “What’s going on with Changbin now?” 

“Hyunjin and I broke up.” Changbin says it so casually, as if it was last Thursday’s news, but the surprise that simple phrase causes is nearly enough to send any man running for cover. 

“You  _ what?! _ ” Seonghwa all but shrieks, hands slamming onto the table, “I mean — congrats — but WHAT?” 

“It’s about time.” Hongjoong sarcastically says, “You've looked in pain whenever you were with Hyunjin it seemed as if you were being held against your will.” 

“And you didn’t mean to share this observation with me?” 

“You didn’t share the damn puppy eyes Seungmin gave Changbin every time he was in that man’s presence!” 

“What?”

“What.” 

Seonghwa turns back to the other two, “Oh come on. Seungmin has been so obvious about his crush on you that I’m so surprised you never caught on. He literally looks at you as if you laid out the galaxy for him and it’s sickening to see.” 

Seungmin opens his mouth but closes it in apprehension. He takes a big gulp of his drink as he lowers his cup, he opens his mouth again with an expression of disbelief, “This did  _ not  _ just become an ‘expose Seungmin’ session, I know it didn’t.” 

Hongjoong snickers into his hand, “How are we supposed to expose the exposed? You never hid anything.” 

Changbin let’s out a laugh, or rather a mess of noises and turns to give Seungmin a kiss on the side of his head, “You’re absolutely  _ adorable _ !” 

“And you’re rather stupid.” 

“Seonghwa!” 

They move one to another conversation and that’s when Changbin begins to tell his stories from the mishaps he had during his earlier years at the school. 

The other two are actively listening, but Seungmin would rather just listen to Changbin’s soothing voice and fall asleep right there — sitting in the café, next to Changbin, warm scent of coffee in the air and snow outside. 

If you were to tell Seungmin of the past that some day he’d be infatuated with a man with a coffee addiction and an eyebrow piercing, he’d laugh at you and tell you to leave his line of sight. 

But now here he sat, listening to whatever stories Changbin was telling the others, head held up by his hands. He wasn’t paying attention to the stories being told, but he was listening to how Changbin’s voice changed in pitch whenever he got to a certain part of his tangents. 

Of course, Seonghwa and Hongjoong notice this but don’t say anything. They laugh along at Changbin’s narrative, giving reactions when appropriate and motioning for him to continue whenever he falters. 

“Keep going! I’m sure Mr Puppy Eyes here would love to keep on staring at you.” 

Seungmin shoots up in his seat and lets his hands slam against the table, “I wasn’t staring!” 

Changbin laughs, a whole body type of laugh. One that rose from deep inside his chest and aired out through his entire body. 

Seungmin falters and giggles with him. He’s just so comfortable right then and there; he’d never imagine something so, so  _ right  _ to be happening to him but for once in his life, God has granted him this. He’s thankful, but he knows there’s still other things to sort out before he can truly remain calm. 

Hopefully, everything will be alright. 


	10. measure ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

“No, because I  _ know  _ Changbin was here last night!” Hyunjin calls out as he storms all over the apartment, “And you didn’t think to tell me?” 

“Who am I to tell you where he is? If he doesn’t want you to know then I’m not saying anything.” Jeongin lamely says, hands crossed over his chest, “He’s not your boyfriend anymore so I don’t understand as to why you’re so pressed.” 

Hyunjin pauses, and he turns to jab a finger towards Jeongin’s direction, “Shut up.” 

Jeongin rolls his eyes, hands falling to his sides and he stuffs his hands into his pockets, lazily walking around the room to where Hyunjin stood, seemingly angry. And he is. He’s seething, red hot anger radiating highly. 

“Get out of my house.” 

“I used to live here. You cannot kick me out.” 

“Well that sucks because you don’t live here anymore! Not ever since you moved out to live with your now  _ ex  _ boyfriend!” 

Hyunjin takes a step forward but as soon as he does, the front door opens and in comes Changbin, who looks distressed. In the blink of an eye, he steps between the two and glares at Hyunjin, “What do you think you’re doing?” 

“What do  _ you  _ think you’re doing?” Hyunjin spits back, “Who just breaks up with someone over text and has a fun little sleepover whilst I’m left alone crying into our once shared bed?” 

“I already told you it’d happen. You just let yourself believe that everything wasn’t true. And why were you yelling at Jeongin? Last time I checked he wasn’t the one who broke up with you so why were you screaming at him?” 

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything, he just steps back and looks down. 

“What has gotten into you?” Changbin whispers, eyes following Hyunjin as the taller sinks to the ground and falls onto his haunches. His entire upper body bends over and he holds his face with both hands, hair falling to frame his face. 

“Everything is just too much. You breaking up with me… What did I do? I thought we were  _ fine _ .” His voice is strained, and it’s a bit pitiful. 

Changbin appears to be confused now as he crouches to Hyunjin’s level and places his hands on his knees for support, “I just don’t have feelings for you anymore.” That’s all he says, but it still makes Hyunjin tremble as fresh tears rise to his lash line. 

“I’m sorry for whatever I d-did.” 

Clicking his tongue, Changbin sighs and runs a hand through his own hair, “You didn’t do anything. I just.. lost feelings. You were an amazing boyfriend, Jinnie, but it’s time to move on.” 

“Move on to what? After months of chasing after you I had you in my grasp.. but you’ve slipped out.” 

Changbin stands up and looks at the door, “I think someone’s been chasing for longer.” 

Seungmin then slips into the apartment, and every step he took towards the living room was hesitant, as if he was walking through a minefield. He stopped for a split second before each step and then stepped into the room with two quick ones. 

Hyunjin looks from Changbin to Seungmin and his mouth drops lower, “Wait — so I wasn’t the only one after you?” 

Seungmin shakes his head, avoiding Hyunjin’s burning gaze, “It’s always been me.” 

Hyunjin stands up and moves towards Seungmin but a hand stops him. Jeongin gives him a piercing glare and holds his arm out steady, “Do not.” 

Hyunjin looks as if he’s going to rebel but decides against it. Instead, he stands still and continues to stare at Seungmin. 

Jeongin sighs, “Just behave maturely for once would you? I mean after you practically forced Seungmin to cancel his already made plans for the aquarium which  _ you  _ later on skipped out on because you made plans for that same day. You decided that the fucking planetarium was more important and ditched Seungmin.” 

Changbin’s head snaps towards Hyunjin, “You forced him to cancel his plans? I thought he was just free that day?!” 

“No I forced him to cancel.” Hyunjin admits, eyes slipping off Seungmin and gliding onto Changbin instead, “I’m sorry.” 

“We don’t want to treat you like the bad guy, hyung, because you’re not! But you didn’t do some good things to me and well.. it hurt a lot.” Seungmin speaks up, and Hyunjin looks as if he might cry. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for hurting you.” 

Seungmin smiles sadly, “It’ll take me a while to fully forgive you but.. it’s okay. You’re okay and we’ll be okay.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Positive.” 

Hyunjin begins to cry. 

* * *

  
Two weeks later, Seungmin’s sitting at the café, mindlessly stirring his coffee as he looks out the window. 

Ever since Changbin and Hyunjin broke up, Hyunjin stayed back at their once shared apartment as Changbin moved in with Seungmin and Jeongin, which Jisung had called ‘sus’ but at this point Seungmin has learned to ignore them. 

It was an easy adjustment if he had to be honest. Sharing a bed with Changbin — which Jisung had also called ‘quite suspicious’ — was a simple accommodation for Seungmin. In fact, he quite enjoyed the new warmth in his bed whenever he went to sleep. 

And Changbin didn’t judge Seungmin for sleeping with Daengmo held tight against his chest. 

Oftentimes when morning came, Seungmin found himself in Changbin’s firm hold with his back pressed against the older’s chest. At first it definitely came as a sort of shock to him, but he eventually grew used to it. 

Ever since that snow day, they haven’t had a proper discussion about what occurred between them and it was eating Seungmin alive. 

He would try to say something, but whenever he did he’d either get interrupted by Jeongin bursting through the door or Jeongin accidentally breaking a plate. 

He desperately wants to know what is of them now. 

“Hey,” a voice says, and suddenly the table moves a bit as the owner of the voice moves to sit down right across from Seungmin. It’s Kevin, and Seungmin finds his voice to be unusually soft for such a bright spirit like him. 

“Hi Kevin,” Seungmin replies, “You sound a bit down, why?” 

“It’s really nothing, I’m just being stupid.” 

“If it’s nothing then you wouldn’t sound so disappointed right now. What’s wrong?” 

Kevin looks down, biting his lip for a quick second before looking back up and sighing deeply, “Just got friendzoned by Jacob. He straight up rejected me.” His voice wavers at the last bit, and Seungmin clicks his tongue. 

“Did you confess or..?” 

“I didn’t  _ exactly  _ confess, but I was joking around with him and when I said ‘bro what if we kissed right now’ he said ‘you’re my bro, bros don’t kiss’ and we just didn’t talk about it afterwards.” He grabs a piece of bread from the plate at the end of the table and takes a bite, “I don’t know what to do.” 

“Listen.” Seungmin leans over and whispers in English, “Just try harder with him. I’m sure he meant it in a joking manner. Don’t let this affect you so much, hyung.” He says the last bit in Korean and pulls away, taking a sip of his drink. 

Kevin doesn’t seem convinced but he shrugs anyway, “Maybe you’re right, but I’m tired of beating around the bush with him.” 

“Aren’t we all?” 

The older scoffs, taking another bite of the bread, “Still no luck with Changbin, huh?” Chucking, Seungmin shakes his head and says, “We are both pining after men who seem so oblivious to what goes on around them, but perhaps they know more than what they tell.” 

Another bite, “Hopefully you’re right. I don’t know how much longer I can stand to see Jacob drool over the ladies in motorcycle magazines.” 

“Gross!” 

“Hey boys,” Seonghwa comes up to their table, holding an empty tray in one hand and a note in the other. He hands the note to Seungmin and says, “Changbin asked me to give you this. It’s in Braille, so you can read it.” 

“Since when did Changbin know Braille?!” 

“Kevin, you’re asking the same question I asked.” 

Seungmin ignores them both and scans the note, a smile slowly growing on his face. 

_ ‘Meet me at the secret fountain in fifteen. Come alone.’ _

The secret fountain — the place Seungmin had discovered in his first year of attending the school and the only place where he could be truly alone without any worries of someone disrupting his peace due to how difficult it was to find the place. He had shown Changbin the area a while back, and now they both frequented it whenever they wanted to have a moment of peace to themselves. 

Come to think of it, Seungmin should’ve talked to him there. 

Oh well. 

* * *

  
Fifteen minutes come and go and Seungmin finds himself inching closer to the secret fountain, snow crunching under each step he takes. With his cane, he can feel footprints from a previous person — possibly Changbin — who walked through the exact trail. 

The fountain is surprisingly running when Seungmin reaches it, and through the sound of the rushing water he can hear Changbin laugh at him. It’s a soft laugh, but Seungmin blushes nonetheless. 

“I was surprised, too.” Changbin says into the cold air, grabbing the hand that was on the edge of the fountain and examining it, “Do you know why I asked you here?” 

Seungmin shrugs, lowering his hand once Changbin lets go of it, “No idea. Do you want to finish the story you were telling me last time or..?” 

Changbin leans against the fountain, hand on either side grabbing the edge tightly for balance, “I can finish that another time. I asked you here to tell you something really important.” 

Perking up, Seungmin walks over to the stone bench a couple inches away from the fountain and sits down. He folds his cane, tucks it away, and gestures to Changbin that he’s listening. 

Changbin inhales deeply, and then exhales, “So, remember the first day we met?” 

“Yeah… Why?” 

“I wish I could relive that day over and over again. The initial shock of watching you walk into the café was an experience I would love to have all over again.” 

Seungmin frowns, “Did I do something?” 

There’s a laugh, and then Changbin crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head, “Wouldn’t you like to know…” 

Seungmin stays silent, and Changbin continues, “The day after you came you returned and I swear the temperature in the café skyrocketed. I don’t know if it was the heating system or just me being flustered, but to see such a beauty walk in two days in a row was not good for my poor heart.” 

“Huh—?” 

Changbin raises a hand, and Seungmin falls silent. The hand goes back under his arm and Seungmin can only stare curiously at him. He doesn’t say anything, but Changbin knows the gears in that brilliant head are working at the moment so he decides to be clear. 

“What I’m saying is that I’ve been infatuated by you since the start. You stole my heart the moment you walked in and I was just so in denial that I mistook those feelings as something more familial. But no, I’m in love with you, Seungmin.” 

Seungmin’s at a loss for words, and he tries to speak but nothing comes out. The only sounds that escape him are garbled gibberish — noises that only a malfunctioning computer could make. It’s quite comical, but the way his eyes widen when Changbin reaches into his pocket and takes out a small box is even better. 

It’s not a marriage proposal, but rather something more tame. 

Changbin lifts the lid of the box to reveal a silver ring with a small sapphire right in the middle. The ring radiates brightly in the sunlight and if it weren’t for Seungmin’s already damaged vision, he was sure this could’ve done the job. 

The older clears his throat and smiles, “Would you do me the honour of being my boyfriend?” 

Tears fill Seungmin’s already cloudy vision, and he brings both his hands to his face to prevent himself from crying right in front of Changbin as he’s overcome with emotions. His heart is beating fast, and there’s an entire forest of butterflies in his stomach, but that doesn’t stop him from revealing his bright smile as he violently nods and softly says, “Yes.” 

Changbin laughs, and he sounds close to tears himself. 

He leans down to slip the ring onto Seungmin’s pointer finger, “Saving the other one for later.” 

Seungmin doesn’t have time to register what he’s said because all of a sudden there’s lips on his own and Changbin’s kissing him within an inch of his life. He melts into the kiss, falling forwards and wrapping his arms around the other’s neck to pull him closer. 

They fit perfectly, and it makes Seungmin’s heart flip. 

They continue to hold each other close as they kiss, occasionally taking breaks to breathe but then going back to kiss, never getting enough of each other’s taste. 

The sapphire ring shines brightly all the while. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did he know it was a sapphire ring? not initially but after squinting real hard he saw the bit of blue and assumed.


	11. measure eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> end

Eventually, everything plays out fine. 

Hyunjin accepts the newfound relationship and even goes as far as to threaten Changbin that if he ever hurts Seungmin he’ll show him true pain. It’s hilarious, but it also does leave an afterthought floating around in Changbin’s head for the next month. 

No one has to worry over the dancer as well, since it seems like he’s picked up a thing with Chan. To see him look at the oldest of the bunch with puppy eyes is certainly a new experience for everyone — especially Changbin — but it isn’t unwelcome. 

Jisung jokingly says that he now hates hanging out as a group because he can’t escape all the couples. Minho grabs him by the chin and kisses him to shut him up. 

A couple nights later, Seungmin sits alone in his room. 

Everyone is outside on the balcony, laughing away as they crack jokes and talk within each other. Seungmin, however, stays behind to appreciate solitude for a quick moment. 

The door is closed, but he can still hear the loud laughter that belongs to Jisung whenever there’s a joke made. They’re stupid jokes, but it still makes Jisung wheeze and sometimes Seungmin wonders if they force the laughs or if their standards are just that low. 

He smiles and shakes his head, running his fingers over the strings of his viola. When he first opened the case, he was surprised to hear that it was still in tune even after days of not playing it and being kept inside the cold closet. It was a miracle, if he had to be honest. 

Lifting the viola up to his chin, he positions his fingers and lifts his other hand, hovering over the strings.

Inhale. 

He plucks the opening notes of the third movement of Mahler’s first symphony in D major. It’s a solem tune, one that’d most likely be used in a dark royal scenario, but to Seungmin it’s gorgeous no matter the circumstances. 

Seungmin lets himself get lost in the notes, imagining himself in a ballroom with everyone else hustling around in haste as they prepared for the great feast occurring later. He’s wearing a marvellous suit, one with an opaque cape at the back. It’s long, nearly reaching the floor, and it flows behind him as he walks through the ballroom. 

Maids brush past him, muttering apologies and bowing hastily before continuing to run off. He’s silent, but lifts his hand to signal that it’s okay. 

He reaches the centre of the ballroom and smiles. 

Standing there, dressed in all black, was Changbin. 

He extends his hand out as an invitation to dance and Seungmin accepts it with sparkling eyes. He lets himself get pulled close to the older man, smiling down at him as he begins to sway to the rhythm. 

It’s a ridiculous scene, dancing in a ballroom as the maids and butlers scattered to get everything ready, but it was also like the eye of a hurricane. Temporary bliss in the middle of haste, if you will. 

The piece picks up tempo, and suddenly Changbin takes control of the dance, pressing their bodies even closer and moving them. 

Changbin leans close, and whispers, “I love you, my prince.”

Seungmin opens his eyes and finds himself face to face with the real Changbin, who seems to be smiling widely. He lowers his viola and the other man takes it, gently putting it aside before grabbing Seungmin’s face and kissing him on the lips. 

It’s a tender kiss, and it makes Seungmin’s heart flip. Then again, every kiss that Changbin gives him somehow makes his heart do a somersault. 

When Changbin pulls away, he presses a kiss to his nose, “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

Seungmin is so in love. 

His barista giggles, and kisses him once more.

Music was beautiful, but love was even more beautiful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this! i enjoyed writing this so much and i just want to say that i’m very proud of this work. this has helped me through writer’s block and through some creative slumps so i really hold this work closely. 
> 
> i have a new piece that’s coming up — the theme is hinted here — and i can’t wait to share it with you all :) 
> 
> thank you once again.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/hyunlovs)


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